HAMILTON, NY — The aftermath of September’s Rush Week continues to wreak havoc upon the sophomore class. In recent weeks, pledging has come to an end and newly minted frat brothers no longer look like animated corpses, but those dropped from rush continue to struggle in the wake of tragedy. While most have moved on with their lives like normal people, sophomore Blair Whitney continues to wallow in self-pity. Whitney reportedly had “great conversations” at every house and had an above average performance in her pre-rush schmoozing of upperclassmen. Sources say Whitney exclusively shopped at Darien’s high end boutiques and watched every contouring tutorial on YouTube in the weeks leading up to the start of the fall semester. When asked how she was doing in this difficult time, Whitney shrugged her shoulders and said, “You know, the whole rush process is really fucked up and is designed to make girls feel like shit about themselves. But whatever, it’s fine, I can always re-rush next year!”

Despite her unaffiliated status, reports of Whitney partaking in typical hazing activities have surfaced across campus. Students have seen Whitney sport bizarre apparel on the quad. In contrast to her usual Supergas, tastefully ripped mom jeans, and oversized sweater, the uniform of any Lady Raider who wants to look like she has a unique personality while also conforming to the norm, she has been spotted wearing blue, glittery eyeshadow, a “Legalize Cocaine” sweatshirt, and a Dora the Explorer backpack. Whitney’s classmates claim that when asked about her new fashion choices, she nonchalantly shrugs her shoulders and says, “You know, I’m just experimenting with some new styles. Didn’t you see Urban Outfitters’ fall campaign? Issa look!” However, as soon as Kappa girls were restricted to only wearing jeans and sneakers, Whitney was never seen in any other “look.”

Immediately following the day when the GPhi girls changed their profile pictures, Whitney’s social media presence reportedly suffered stark changes. Her Facebook profile picture was changed to a photo of her dressed up as John Travolta (Pulp Fiction version), and Whitney’s Instagram feed switched to solely Coop Kathy appreciation posts, unlike her usual highly filtered posts accompanied by vague captions such as “issa vibe.”

Sources have also confirmed that Whitney has regularly disappeared for “meetings” at late hours of the night, returning only to charge her Juul and put dry shampoo in her baby dreads. Recently, she has been overheard on the phone loudly asserting, “I mean, my big could be worse to me, like some other girls have to do some really terrible shit.” Perhaps most bizarre, she was spotted dropping off a suspicious package at Hascall Hall. When questioned by HamPo, she merely started singing Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me.” Too uncomfortable to proceed, HamPo dropped the case.

A source reported Whitney’s roommate confronted her regarding the bizarre behavior, to which Whitney responded,“What? No! Hazing doesn’t happen here!” When asked by her roommate to cut the shit, Whitney broke down and admitted “Yeah, I’m hazing myself. Just wanted to fit in, ya know?”

HAMILTON, NY — All across campus over the past couple of months, more and more fire alarms in many buildings have been activated. Recently, candles were being used to cover up the sweet, sweet stench of the devil’s lettuce. However, there have been fewer and fewer reports of candle smoke alerting the trusty Campus Safety team. Fire alarms have a new foe: Juuls.

“Yo, it was straight earrape,” one student commented on the ear-drum penetrating sound that rang throughout Curtis Hall at 2:30am. Our best reporters were immediately on the scene even before campo waddled up. After they meticulously sifted through all of the evidence, The Monthly Rag’s crack team of detectives discovered that students were juuling too close to the fire alarm, just like how Icarus flew too close to the sun. With the First-Years and sophomores all gathered outside of Curtis, it was easy to score a few interviews. “It’s strange; I rip fat clouds in my dorm all the time, and nothing ever happens,” said an interviewee (I could not even tell if he was a student, professor, or a fucking therapy dog because there was so much #cloudporn covering his face). Another student, who goes by the name “Serial Vapist,” straight up confessed to juuling directly on the detector; “There was no space between my lips and the metal of the smoke detector,” he said proudly. Alas, Campo would only guffaw at our accusation of Serial Vapist.

With the ever-increasing amount of fire alarms being tripped, Campo has been doing even more rounds throughout the dorm buildings. But, anonymous sources that have been toe-to-toe with campus safety tell us that Campo officers will come to your door claiming that someone reported you, when in reality, they are simply trying to find the plug and get a couple grams for themselves.

To further my investigation and find more leads, I asked an Econ professor more about the Juuling epidemic. “Yeah, I see my students do it all the time, so instead of fighting them, I joined them.” I could barely hear what he was saying between rips.

In conclusion, students are breathing in more nicotine vapor than oxygen, Campo wants a tight j once in a while, and fire alarms are little bitches.

*Trigger Warning* This article contains discussion of alleged sexual assaults and rape

HAMILTON, NY — Zach Caggiano had been ecstatic when he received his acceptance letter to Colgate University. “I just remember thinking, ‘finally, a school full of nerds like me.’ It was cool to think that all those years of studying on Fridays, dateless homecomings, and fogged up glasses had paid off.” Caggiano had expected every student to be just as invested in the debates of Marvel versus Mario Kart as he was. “I definitely got a strong gamer vibe when I got on campus. Smash isn’t usually my thing, but hey, college is about taking risks, right?” To Caggiano’s disappointment, Colgate students were more Bobby Kennedy than Ben Kenobi. Still, the New Jersey native was determined to make the best of the situation.

Despite being in a single and the only freshman boy on his floor, Caggiano assumed he could get by on his natural “people skills.” However, many students didn’t seem to mesh with their classmate. Says fellow first-year, Stacie Choy, “Yeah, my friends and I tried to get him to go to get Slices with us one of the first nights and he said he’d already eaten. We made these plans at, like, 3 in the afternoon.” After further investigation, it became clear that most nights Caggiano is content to stay in his dorm, watching the old Star Trek movies.

Needless to say, Zach has been looking forward to his grand return to Hoboken, New Jersey, home of Cake Boss. His parents had also been anxiously anticipating Zach’s homecoming. His mother, Amy Caggiano, a Kappa alumna, had hoped that dorm living would force Zach into human interaction and some social awareness, while Zach’s father, John Caggiano, had delusional aspirations that his son would return with a new found affinity to his bros, Natty Light, and the devil’s lettuce. Mr. Caggiano stated, “College was the best four years of my life and I’ll be damned if Zach doesn’t feel the same way. All me and my friends did was get fucked up and fuck shit up. It was a crucial period of personal growth for me. Geez, I hope that kid goes out more than he did in high school.” Much to the chagrin of both parents, Zach appeared to show no signs of change, other than a newfound affinity for pizza with ranch. “Well, I don’t know what I expected, exactly, but it was not this,” said Mrs. Caggiano, “I even went through his wallet to see if he had a fake. If he does he left it at school.” Mr. Caggiano was overwhelmed with disappointment and unavailable to comment, however Zach was more than willing to recount his father’s reaction. “Well, he didn’t talk to me all weekend, which would’ve been fine, except he took away my XBox. When I left on Sunday, he basically told me if I wasn’t cool enough to get into a frat next year, he was gonna disown me. I thought that was kinda harsh.”

Mr. Caggiano was kind enough to offer financial assistance to any student able to get Zach into at least DU. He can be reached at 201-372-8264.