Administration Thrilled by Family Weekend Petraeus Speech

HAMILTON, NY — The Colgate Office of Admission, the Department of Public Relations, and other senior members of the administration have been ecstatic about what they have described as the resounding success of former general David Petraeus’ recent visit. “This is one of the greatest successes in the University’s history,” declared Vice Deputy Provost for Advertising David White, who staff members reportedly saw achieving climax when adding details about the visit to his latest brochure. One member of the development department told the Rag that she and her husband had had been having some problems in the bedroom, but after seeing the faces of several parents in the financial sector after the talk, in which the general spoke glowingly of the ability he had observed in Wall Street bankers, she drove home at 90 miles per hour and the rest of the night was “better than my honeymoon.” It wasn’t just members of the administration. Connecticut sophomore and member of Gamma Phi Beta Emily Vandervleet attended the presentation with her father, a hedge fund manager and avid watcher of the History channel. She informed the Rag that she and many attendees sitting in her row were disturbed by her father’s visible erection.

Many have questioned why the disgraced General’s forced resignation as Director of the CIA was not mentioned, or why he was never questioned about the agency’s unaccountable drone program, and one faculty member called the whole spectacle, including the introduction and Q&A, “a shocking genuflection before power by a supposedly academic institution,” while others have referred to it a “Brochure Porn.” One Sophomore expressed disappointment, saying he “wished they talked more about him trading national secrets for head.” Another Junior told the Rag he regretted being stuck in an hour and a half long speech on national security on a Saturday evening, but he had expected that the event was about The Dispatch’s song ‘The General.’ Despite all the administration considers the event a success. President Brian Casey told the Rag he knew that the $100,000 speaking fee was money well spent when one parent came up afterwards and told him “I often make fun of my wife for bringing wet wipes everywhere, but I was glad to have them there. ft er he talked about Ideas, The National Conversation, and Private Innovation, I had a little Surge of my own.”