HAMILTON, NY—With the incoming class of 2021 representing an astounding forty-nine states, 128 countries, and more than two tax brackets, the Office of Admission has had to match the outstandingly diverse First-Years by expanding their hip cool-kid lingo. The usual questions of “Which firm does your dad work for?” and “What’re you pledging?” gave way to the new: “How did you get to school without a driver to take you?” and “What’s it like growing up with both of your parents working?” With the influx of those who couldn’t afford Colgate’s astounding $70,000 tuition with their pocket change, unique relationships are budding all over campus.
“I think it’s uh… I think it’s cool,” claimed the first white dude the Rag could find to interview, a reliable demographic. “Like, my roommate is from Mississippi, but he’s like… He didn’t know what a Juul was; he didn’t know about where I was from—Westchester represent — so like… I couldn’t understand him, but I guess he’s ok. He taught our Wilderness Adventure clique how to cook a hotdog. He knew how ‘cause he didn’t have a chef… which is chill I guess…” The roommate in question was unavailable for comment; he was apparently occupied with a six-page questionnaire supplied by admissions asking him about how to eat various Southern delicacies officers might be offered, such as barbeque sandwiches and fried chicken.
Apparently, different states warranted different treatment; a self-proclaimed South Dakotan remembers, “They doubted my state existed; like, they just forgot about South Dakota. I had to point it out on their map because they didn’t believe me when I showed them a picture on my phone. They thought it was photoshopped.” In fact, when offered a blank map of the United States, an unnamed Admissions staffer could only point out thirteen states, swathing the entire Gulf of Mexico and labelling it as “HOT SOUP AIR” while simultaneously encircling a space from Nebraska to Idaho and tagging it as “???”
“We’re improving,” explained another employee who scored a 27/50. “See? I got a 54%, and when accounting for Colgate’s grade deflation, that’s a solid C.”
To say the least, the increasing division between a small upper echelon that scoffed at the FAFSA (60% of the first-year class) and those that may or may not have sold some portion of their liver to attend Colgate has created an interesting dichotomy, one in which cultures and interests collide to create some sort of mish-mash of Vineyard Vine yacht-rats and everyone else who can’t afford a yacht. Colgate can always rely on the Office of Admission to create a welcoming environment for people of all backgrounds and cultures. With the positive trend in the grades of their elementary-school-esque coloring sheets of various countries proving more prevalent than ever, the Monthly Rag can conclude that the Office may eventually disqualify any applications coming from Wyoming, or what the various Admissions employees dub, “TRICK QUESTION.”
The Monthly Rag 
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