Beta Redecorates for Needed Fear Factor

HAMILTON, NY — This past October, in the spirit of Halloween, many Broad Street residences decided to adorn their front lawns with spooky figurines and other eerie props. 88 Broad Street, home to Beta Theta Pi, was no exception. The Beta sophomores spent the first week of October stretching imitation cobwebs across their shrubbery, erecting plastic tombstones in their lawn, and hanging faux-skull-garlands from the building’s ivory columns. The redecoration, according to student sources, served as a much needed Halloween-makeover because, as everyone knows, Beta wasn’t even remotely scary before.

Area junior, Rebecca Thornton, explains, “Before the props went up, the only things to fear in reference to Beta were the numerous allegations of sexual assault lodged against brothers within the fraternity—you know baby stuff. But now that there’s a pair of skeleton hands reaching out to me from the walkway, the house definitely gives off the creeps.”

Thornton went on, “I guess some people think that all that rape stuff from last semester is a little more frightening than the props; but not me. I mean what do you think is more disconcerting? A gaggle of dark, eerie, decaying, gravestones marked “R.I.P.,” or the measly fact that two alleged sexual assaults took place there last semester and absolutely no recognizable changes have been made to Beta parties that would ensure attendants’ safety? I’m just saying, if anything, I think they could have shelled out some more dough for spookier props—but I guess I shouldn’t be so harsh, Beta’s always been strapped for cash.”

However, Thornton was one of the few who thought Beta’s Halloween decorations could stand to get scarier. Colgate senior, Jenny King, had an opposite opinion; she admitted that the fraternity’s fear factor is actually “getting overwhelming.” King reasoned, “Honestly the only thing that’s getting me through my daily walks by the house is that, after Halloween, I know the terror will end. Thank god I’m not afraid of the fact that Beta hasn’t kicked out a single brother actively facing rape accusations, otherwise it would be like every day is as scary as Halloween!”