Frat Star Behavior Apparently Unacceptable Outside of the United States
HAMILTON, NY — Last Thursday, Jean-Claude Juncker, president of the European Union, proposed a ban which would bar all members of Colgate frats from studying abroad anywhere in Europe. Juncker cited incidents such as turning Tuscan wine tastings into beer pong tournaments, wearing basketball jerseys and khakis (formally known as “Fraturday attire”) for the duration of their stay, and asking everyone they met “who do you know here?” In his passionate speech to the assembly, Juncker also complained that, “these frat stars have ruined Oktoberfest and St. Patty’s day. I don’t know how they managed to shotgun a pitcher of beer, but it has to end here. We need to take a stand against these entitled, preppy assholes. They can’t treat all of Europe like The Hunt, and for Christ’s sake, stop replying when they text ‘you up?’”
Despite this looming possibility of not being able to return to Europe, the general sentiment among the Colgate frat star community was apathetic. When asked for a comment, one Phi Tau pledge said, “It’s whatever. I honestly don’t even want to go abroad anyway, why would I want to leave my frat for a whole semester? Do you know how many fraturdays I would miss? And I heard they don’t even have Keystone Light in Europe.” Similarly, Matt Johnson, a junior in Tach, stated, “I’m kind of relieved I won’t be able to go abroad next semester, seems like a lot of work, and besides, I heard about one brother last year who went away and when he got back, all of his booty calls were over him. I cannot have that happen to me.”
Although most of the frats seem to be unbothered by the potential ban, one senior in Beta shared a different opinion. He remarked that his abroad experience in Prague was “dope,” and that, “I’m honestly annoyed that the rest of the juniors won’t be abroad next semester. It’s going to mess with our rotation of which Jeep Wranglers to display in the driveway. I want mine to be out there all the time—it definitely most embodies how wealthy and douchey we are—but the house manager says that we have to split the time. Also, with the juniors here I’ll be forced to give them some time to haze pledges. Like, c’mon guys, I’m a senior, I might never have another chance to watch two guys cover each other in peanut butter and lick it off each other.”
The European population seems to be largely in favor of the ban, and it is expected to pass unanimously.
The Monthly Rag 
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