Outdoor Education Climbs to Top of Frat Rankings

HAMILTON, NY — Frat stars across campus were shocked and heartbroken with the recently published rankings of the most hard core Colgate Greek houses by The New York Times. That’s right boys, pop those collars down as low as your security in your masculinity, because the hottest party scene on Broad Street is all flannels, dirt, and hiking boots.

“OE is the elitist of the elite” Sophomore Clinton Asiago commented, “you don’t rush you apply. Talk about competition. I came to Colgate to party, not write essays.” Indeed, the Outdoor Education staff ensures they pick the cream of the crop from their applicants. Though like most of the Greek system, their opinion is swayed by appearance. “It’s so biased,” commented devastated First-Year Emily Gouda, adjusting her lulu headband ever so slightly, “I feel singled out when I’m the only one in the room not wearing Tevas. And let’s be real. If you don’t own a single flannel they won’t even give your application a second look. I feel so discriminated against.”

Once these carefully selected individuals make it in, then the fun really begins. “Oh, we have to do all kinds of stuff for the upperclassmen…but like, don’t worry, making us scale buildings to find gourds with our names on them isn’t hazing,” said recently inducted First-Year Kyle Provolone nervously shifting his glance around the room. “It’ll be even better when we go on the winter trip,” Provolone hesitantly joked. Indeed, there is nothing quite like being placed in the middle of the Adirondacks for a week to fend for yourself against the elements. “It really forces you to become one with nature.” Senior Taylor Swiss reminisced, “I left part of myself in the woods that trip…no really I got frostbite and they had to amputate a toe.”

And just as one would expect from a gruff steel toed lumberjack, these OE participants know their way around alcohol. “Nobody out drinks us. Nobody. Not even Frisbee,” confirmed Junior Alex Gorgonzola while piercing her beer with a ice climbing pickaxe and shotgunning on the roof of the hockey rink.

When the frat stars of OE aren’t climbing trees and rolling in mud, they return to their homebase the Loj, the one house on Broad Street that really does knows how to put the “wild” in wilderness. One report found that the male participants climb to the highest vantage point in the room (a replace mantle, a refrigerator, etc.) and take off their shirts – an interesting and under-studied mating ritual. Truly a spectacle Animal Planet wishes they could capture.

In its rankings, NYT cited OE’s overall exclusivity, coupled with its gender inclusivity, as one of its strongest assets as a, “student group that fux heavy.” Local Beta brother Timmy Turner com- mented, “I just don’t get how co-ed works, like, women that you party with? And respect?” The co-ed culture of the OE Fratority seems to be an aspect of the rankings no other Broad Street house can compete with, although at print time, it was reported that Phi Kappa Tau was considering opening up membership to females based on a test of how well they could chug a beer.