Serial Vapist Juuling in Residences Leads to Mass Fire Alarm Activation

HAMILTON, NY — All across campus over the past couple of months, more and more fire alarms in many buildings have been activated. Recently, candles were being used to cover up the sweet, sweet stench of the devil’s lettuce. However, there have been fewer and fewer reports of candle smoke alerting the trusty Campus Safety team. Fire alarms have a new foe: Juuls.

“Yo, it was straight earrape,” one student commented on the ear-drum penetrating sound that rang throughout Curtis Hall at 2:30am. Our best reporters were immediately on the scene even before campo waddled up. After they meticulously sifted through all of the evidence, The Monthly Rag’s crack team of detectives discovered that students were juuling too close to the fire alarm, just like how Icarus flew too close to the sun. With the First-Years and sophomores all gathered outside of Curtis, it was easy to score a few interviews. “It’s strange; I rip fat clouds in my dorm all the time, and nothing ever happens,” said an interviewee (I could not even tell if he was a student, professor, or a fucking therapy dog because there was so much #cloudporn covering his face). Another student, who goes by the name “Serial Vapist,” straight up confessed to juuling directly on the detector; “There was no space between my lips and the metal of the smoke detector,” he said proudly. Alas, Campo would only guffaw at our accusation of Serial Vapist.

With the ever-increasing amount of fire alarms being tripped, Campo has been doing even more rounds throughout the dorm buildings. But, anonymous sources that have been toe-to-toe with campus safety tell us that Campo officers will come to your door claiming that someone reported you, when in reality, they are simply trying to find the plug and get a couple grams for themselves.

To further my investigation and find more leads, I asked an Econ professor more about the Juuling epidemic. “Yeah, I see my students do it all the time, so instead of fighting them, I joined them.” I could barely hear what he was saying between rips.

In conclusion, students are breathing in more nicotine vapor than oxygen, Campo wants a tight j once in a while, and fire alarms are little bitches.