HAMILTON, NY—In a stunning reversal of the previous “Don’t Snort and Tell” policy, the Economics department at Colgate University has decided to add a section on how to properly snort a huge line of blow to their recent fall midterms. Professor Bourreau of the Economics Department explained the reasons behind this change in a private interview with this journalist at a location on campus which will remain undisclosed: “A lot of my new students in Intro to Econ just kind of, like, inhale the line, y’know? Or they form these really shitty little slugs that are so thick that it doesn’t go in cleanly, and then they lose a fucking ton of the blow. If they want to go into finance, that shit ain’t gonna FUCKING cut it y’knowwhati’msaying? You need your head COMPLETELY in the game when you get into the arena of financial manipulation and stockbroking, and if these guys think they’re gonna get by taking tiny bitch bumps so they can tell all their little English and Philosophy major pothead fuck-up friends how cool they are, well, they’re dead fucking wrong.” These statements were followed up by forming an enormous line of cocaine with a black Visa Infinite credit card and snorting it off a prostitute’s backside, which this journalist was invited to partake in and politely declined.
The class midterm, after a section on productivity and frictional versus structural unemployment, will now include a section in which the student is quizzed on how to properly roll up a hundred-dollar bill, the ratio of length to width of a perfect line, and how much cocaine it takes to be at maximum effectiveness when engaging in insider trading with a rising tech company. Additionally, the midterm will now be followed up with copious amount of blow being distributed to the class in a ritualistic orgy.
Students will be drug tested before taking the exam, and anyone without significant quantities of both cocaine and Adderall in their systems will immediately receive a failing grade.
The Monthly Rag 
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