Still-Lame Freshman Disappoints Parents

HAMILTON, NY — Zach Caggiano had been ecstatic when he received his acceptance letter to Colgate University. “I just remember thinking, ‘finally, a school full of nerds like me.’ It was cool to think that all those years of studying on Fridays, dateless homecomings, and fogged up glasses had paid off.” Caggiano had expected every student to be just as invested in the debates of Marvel versus Mario Kart as he was. “I definitely got a strong gamer vibe when I got on campus. Smash isn’t usually my thing, but hey, college is about taking risks, right?” To Caggiano’s disappointment, Colgate students were more Bobby Kennedy than Ben Kenobi. Still, the New Jersey native was determined to make the best of the situation.

Despite being in a single and the only freshman boy on his floor, Caggiano assumed he could get by on his natural “people skills.” However, many students didn’t seem to mesh with their classmate. Says fellow first-year, Stacie Choy, “Yeah, my friends and I tried to get him to go to get Slices with us one of the first nights and he said he’d already eaten. We made these plans at, like, 3 in the afternoon.” After further investigation, it became clear that most nights Caggiano is content to stay in his dorm, watching the old Star Trek movies.

Needless to say, Zach has been looking forward to his grand return to Hoboken, New Jersey, home of Cake Boss. His parents had also been anxiously anticipating Zach’s homecoming. His mother, Amy Caggiano, a Kappa alumna, had hoped that dorm living would force Zach into human interaction and some social awareness, while Zach’s father, John Caggiano, had delusional aspirations that his son would return with a new found affinity to his bros, Natty Light, and the devil’s lettuce. Mr. Caggiano stated, “College was the best four years of my life and I’ll be damned if Zach doesn’t feel the same way. All me and my friends did was get fucked up and fuck shit up. It was a crucial period of personal growth for me. Geez, I hope that kid goes out more than he did in high school.” Much to the chagrin of both parents, Zach appeared to show no signs of change, other than a newfound affinity for pizza with ranch. “Well, I don’t know what I expected, exactly, but it was not this,” said Mrs. Caggiano, “I even went through his wallet to see if he had a fake. If he does he left it at school.” Mr. Caggiano was overwhelmed with disappointment and unavailable to comment, however Zach was more than willing to recount his father’s reaction. “Well, he didn’t talk to me all weekend, which would’ve been fine, except he took away my XBox. When I left on Sunday, he basically told me if I wasn’t cool enough to get into a frat next year, he was gonna disown me. I thought that was kinda harsh.”

Mr. Caggiano was kind enough to offer financial assistance to any student able to get Zach into at least DU. He can be reached at 201-372-8264.