Unaffiliated Sophomore Girl Hazes Self

HAMILTON, NY — The aftermath of September’s Rush Week continues to wreak havoc upon the sophomore class. In recent weeks, pledging has come to an end and newly minted frat brothers no longer look like animated corpses, but those dropped from rush continue to struggle in the wake of tragedy. While most have moved on with their lives like normal people, sophomore Blair Whitney continues to wallow in self-pity. Whitney reportedly had “great conversations” at every house and had an above average performance in her pre-rush schmoozing of upperclassmen. Sources say Whitney exclusively shopped at Darien’s high end boutiques and watched every contouring tutorial on YouTube in the weeks leading up to the start of the fall semester. When asked how she was doing in this difficult time, Whitney shrugged her shoulders and said, “You know, the whole rush process is really fucked up and is designed to make girls feel like shit about themselves. But whatever, it’s fine, I can always re-rush next year!”

Despite her unaffiliated status, reports of Whitney partaking in typical hazing activities have surfaced across campus. Students have seen Whitney sport bizarre apparel on the quad. In contrast to her usual Supergas, tastefully ripped mom jeans, and oversized sweater, the uniform of any Lady Raider who wants to look like she has a unique personality while also conforming to the norm, she has been spotted wearing blue, glittery eyeshadow, a “Legalize Cocaine” sweatshirt, and a Dora the Explorer backpack. Whitney’s classmates claim that when asked about her new fashion choices, she nonchalantly shrugs her shoulders and says, “You know, I’m just experimenting with some new styles. Didn’t you see Urban Outfitters’ fall campaign? Issa look!” However, as soon as Kappa girls were restricted to only wearing jeans and sneakers, Whitney was never seen in any other “look.”

Immediately following the day when the GPhi girls changed their profile pictures, Whitney’s social media presence reportedly suffered stark changes. Her Facebook profile picture was changed to a photo of her dressed up as John Travolta (Pulp Fiction version), and Whitney’s Instagram feed switched to solely Coop Kathy appreciation posts, unlike her usual highly filtered posts accompanied by vague captions such as “issa vibe.”

Sources have also confirmed that Whitney has regularly disappeared for “meetings” at late hours of the night, returning only to charge her Juul and put dry shampoo in her baby dreads. Recently, she has been overheard on the phone loudly asserting, “I mean, my big could be worse to me, like some other girls have to do some really terrible shit.” Perhaps most bizarre, she was spotted dropping off a suspicious package at Hascall Hall. When questioned by HamPo, she merely started singing Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me.” Too uncomfortable to proceed, HamPo dropped the case.

A source reported Whitney’s roommate confronted her regarding the bizarre behavior, to which Whitney responded,“What? No! Hazing doesn’t happen here!” When asked by her roommate to cut the shit, Whitney broke down and admitted “Yeah, I’m hazing myself. Just wanted to fit in, ya know?”