One of the many shitty things about getting older is that eventually you are expected to buy gifts for your family at Christmas. Freshmen and Sophomores can probably get away with just buying something for your parents and siblings, but by Senior year you’re going to get some weird looks if you haven’t brought anything for cousin Steve. We at the Rag know you have more important things to worry about, like finishing that final paper you put off until the morning of so you could go to Jugmas, so, never fear, we created our first annual Holiday Gift Guide.
For a Beta Brother
He’s got a cool car, a hot girlfriend, and a VIP card at the Jug. So, what do you get the man who has everything? We know that Kappa mixers are the forbidden fruit at the top of his wish list, but since that’s out of the question we at the Rag recommend getting the special Beta in your life serial-pooper surveillance system. We understand there’s been a series of inspired, Robin Hood-esque fecal strikes on Beta residences, and while it’s hilarious for the rest of us, poop is still, like, really grotty for the bros. We’ve vetted several options for doodoo deterrence, and suggest gifting your Beta a system that comes complete with doggy bags and Febreze!
For Your Trump Voting Uncle
So, you’ve been to school for a year or two and you know you’ve seen it all! Uncle Rick owns a vinyl upholstery business in CousinFuck, PA, but he spends most of the time trying to catch the Honduran janitors stealing paper clips. He was asked to leave his church after he called a white Sunday School teacher the N-Word, and he’s still upset that he was overlooked by Penn State as a wide-out after a stellar senior year. Why not give him a copy of Between the World and Me. You skimmed half of this book on your last flight home for Thanksgiving until the bar cart came around, but you find a way to reference it in every class discussion. You vaguely understand that it’s based on another book by James Baldwin DuBois and that he was important for race relations somehow. Uncle Rick just lost his biggest customer when he groped his wife after mistaking her for a secretary, but it will definitely be this that makes him change!
Your Sratty Sister
She’s only in Tenth Grade, but she already owns nine pairs of Lululemon leggings, pairs of both Hunter and Bean boots, several of those weird shirts with the giant letters on the back, a monogram sticker for her laptop, and one of those stupid fucking water bottles from the brand that’s just Yeti for people with chemically whitened teeth. She’s already got the exact inflection down for saying “Oh she’s so sweet, wouldn’t she make a great Tri Delt?” She’s got every srat accessory money can buy, but here’s one more, A bid to Top GPhi. This will get her instant access to every party worth going to, from Deke’s XannyFest 2K18 to Phi Tau’s Formal at Sea, conveniently held in international waters.
Your Parents
Let’s face it, at this point either your dad is a hedge fund manager, in which case he already got the only thing he wanted for Christmas, a blood-soaked Republican tax cut, or you’re broke. You can’t afford a trip to the island off the coast of Cuba where they let you hunt people, and you’re not six so macaroni art won’t cut it anymore. It’s one day before you have to go home, and you’ve found yourself in a situation that’s very familiar to Eli Manning. Tackles are closing in, the world starts to get narrow before your eyes, and it’s time to just chuck this thing and hope it makes it out of bounds so they can’t call you for intentional grounding. That’s right, it’s time to run down to the Bookstore and buy them A Colgate Coffee Mug.
The Monthly Rag 
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