HAMILTON, NY — You know the smell. You know the look of the saggy breasts. The elderly have taken over the gym (albeit early in the day when all the students are still hungover), and they definitely don’t wipe their salty old people juice off the stationary bike seats. Since senior citizens have begun making use of Trudy Fitness Center before any youths are awake, students have reported a substantial lack in #gainz.
Our journalists immediately went down to the Shaw Wellness Center and spoke with the leading authority in the study of gains, Dr. Swole. “Each fitness machine has a specified amount of gains that it can release in a certain period of time. We call this the ‘gains threshold.’ If a machine or dumbbell is used too often in a day, and the threshold is passed, no more gains will be applied to the weightlifter,” says Swole.
“This in unbelievable,” states local gym rat, Thad Brockerson. “And I thought my only-creatine diet wasn’t working, but in reality, it’s these geriatric fucks.” Thad isn’t alone in his struggle to get big, many other pre-workout addicted jackasses aren’t getting as big as they once did. “I really pride myself on having arms the size of thighs, but lately they’ve started to become regular-arm sized. It’s hurting my game with the ladies, to be honest,” Chad Dickerson told the Rag. Sucks to suck, Chad.
When the wrinkly ass dementia patients fill up the gym, they also fill up the locker room. “This gray old dude was just walking around and hangin’ some serious dong. No cares in the world. Straight birthday suit,” says one frightened gym-goer. Towels must have been invented after they were born. Another student that we interviewed commented on one of the old folks cleaning up after himself: “He was literally bent over the bench blow-drying his swampy chode and just casually discussing the horse race that happened last weekend with some other guy.”
The reality of this situation presents a rare predicament for the frat stars of campus. For years they’ve lived happily in a cycle of consume your body weight in beer, pass out until noon, vegetate for another four hours, then hit Trudy Fitness Center to work it all off. It seems they’ve reached an impasse; they must choose between waking up early to workout or becoming sacks of fat that are 60 percent booze.
The Monthly Rag 
Recent Comments