HAMILTON, NY — A new school year means new school drama; serial shitters attack porches across campus, Hampo and Campo duke it out in the field, and so, so many words spew from vodka-ridden lips. And the thing about drama: everyone knows. Everyone knows what your drunk opinion is on anal; everyone knows who threw up out the window in Newell. Anyone who is anyone has the lay of the land at Colgate—except freshman dudes, of course. They don’t know jack shit.
“Beta? Are they cool?” Asked a bright-eyed Billy Bumbledick at his first pub four months into the school year (mostly because the other pubs were planned in a separate GroupMe named “Important People”). “I think they’re a myth…Sort of like DKE,” explained fellow first-year Firstname Lastname, completely unsure about the can of worms that he may have opened in front of his superiors.
Slowly, freshman have been becoming excluded from more and more locations on campus. Before being allowed into Case, the newest additions to Colgate’s sausagefest need to explain to the librarian “who they know here.” The chapel basement now has a bouncer, and shuttle drivers are now required to ask what class everyone is in before departing for the townhouses.
“They’re shit outta luck,” explained a CL in Drake. “The only place freshman dudes have is their rooms where they cry to sad ’90s music on repeat while drinking juice boxes. No one wants to buy them anything; no one wants to sell them a fake.”
“I’ve been standing in the academic quad for weeks, begging anyone passing by with a frat shirt to haze me,” explained a freshman who preferred to remain unnamed. “They just turn up their nose at me, completely aware that I’m not worthy of being forced to consume 190-proof liquor if I answer a question wrong.”
To aid the boys without a home, many father figures across campus are stepping up. For example, Ed has started his own frat: ABT, or “Alpha Burger Toast,” which has a staunch rivalry with Lateef ’s newfound EAT. The most sought after and selective foster-frat to erupt from the conflict, however, finds leadership from none other than John Jug, who titles his crew ZIAY KOME TO JUG (otherwise known as Zeta Iota Alpha Upsilon Kappa Omicron Mu Epsilon Tau Omicron Jug). No one has reported the newfound frats of hazing, although many young nude men have been spotted leaving Frank for the hiking trails covered in powdered sugar, egg, and syrup.
The Monthly Rag 
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