Geese on Whitnall Target Rich Assholes in Canada Goose Jackets, Study Shows

HAMILTON, NY — The period of hell referred to within the scientific community as winter has arrived, bringing with it the inevitable arrival of holiday cheer, seasonal depression, and, everyone’s favorite, geese. As these migratory murderers adorn our campus with their Blitzkrieg patterns in the skies and their excessive shit in the fields, many members of the Colgate community walk Willow Path with a wary eye. For the socioeconomic one percent (and Colgate’s 99%), bigotry from all angles is inevitable when they decide to don their winter apparel. Not only are wearers of Canada Goose jackets being attacked by vegans and SJWs, but now, they also duke it out with the geese themselves.

“Did you know that geese have three fucking sets of teeth? That’s something I didn’t need to know. Ever.” Goose-attack survivor Todd Toddson was more than happy to provide this hungover writer with a graphic display of the bite marks imprinted into the plush down of his ridiculously expensive jacket. Plumes of feathers wafted from the tears like new fallen snow or frozen white-boy tears. “I’m not mad about the jacket; I use hundred dollar bills to wipe my ass instead of that cheapass one-ply in Drake. I’m mad that I was assaulted just for how I look. Geese should respect my First Amendment Right to proudly display my exorbitant wealth and apathy for animal rights.” Environmental Science major Quinoa Brookes was the first to notice the geese’s targeting of the white and wealthy. “Initially I was looking to see how global climate change was affecting their migratory patterns,” she explained as we observed the geese doing dumb goose shit from afar, “but then I started to notice that geese are actually total dicks, and then I noticed that they’re even bigger dicks to certain people.” As a personal research project Brookes tested her observations by having members of different racial and socioeconomic groups interact with the birds. “I was shocked when I realized the geese were targeting rich white people, the exact opposite reason they removed those white supremacist swans from campus a few years back.” Brookes suggested that the bird’s keen sense of smell and unquenchable desire for vengeance was what lead them to target wearer’s of their kins corpses. Despite their vulnerability to attack, many students are unwilling to let go of their precious winter coats. While Patagonia may offer eco-friendly apparel of equivalent expense, many consider nothing superior to the plush insulation provided by the feathers of dozens of tortured birds. Stay warm Colgate students – but more importantly, stay safe.