Rag Investigates Legendary DKE Chapel

HAMILTON, NY — The DKE chapel has long been one of the most mysterious places around campus, right up there with the creepy house next to Tach and the strange trap door basement in the Jug. Some Monthly Rag writers, determined to get to the bottom of what this building is still used for, put together a team worth of an art heist in order to break into the house. Upon entering, the team was hit by a nasty stench that smelled like a combination of rotting flesh and cocaine. Careful to not leave a trace of their presence, the team quickly investigated and recorded the contents of the chapel before getting back out again. This is a condensed record of the items that they found.

In the main hall, writers discovered the remains of past debauchery. Broken furniture, empty bottles of expensive alcohol, and random other trash littered the floors. A tarnished chandelier hung from the ceiling, showing the grandeur that this place must have once had. The back wall, above a collection of animal heads and other strange paraphernalia, bore the DKE crest. Not too impressed with their findings, the group moved on to the next room.

The back room appeared to be a cozy library, with a few overstuffed armchairs and several bookcases. Oddly, though, the team found some items in a corner that seemed like they would be more appropriate in a sorority house. These items included baskets with gifts in them, pledge paddles decorated with the house’s letters and cute messages about father-son bonding, and even a few old t-shirts with the words “best dad” and “best son” printed on them.

Next, the group ventured to the basement in hopes of finding items more typical of DKE’s reputation. The smell that they first noticed upon entering the house only intensified as they descended. After opening a closet door at the bottom of the stairs, they found what appeared to be a decaying animal carcass, likely part of some old sacrifice ritual to the idols of DKE. Further in, they found what they had been hoping for all along: branding equipment in the shape of delta, ready to burn into the shoulders of pledges. Then, at the very back of the room, they found a safe that our expert code breaker was able to hack into. Inside was everything a DKE kid could ever need: kilos of cocaine, bags of xans, and stack of hundred dollar bills.

Finally satisfied with their findings, the group ripped a few lines of antique coke to celebrate before sneaking back out of the building. No matter how well secrets are hidden, the advanced journalist team of the Rag will discover the truth.