HAMILTON, NY — After a record number of complaints from over-privileged kids from the Tri-State Area and their even less mature parents, Colgate’s Office of Residential Life decided last Friday to finally meet the demands of their constituents. Providing the community with the commodity they have been denied for years, ResLife has finally allocated a designated sex room for the student body. Located on the first floor of one of the freshman dorms, this sex room is easily accessible for anyone and everyone wishing to use it. Once an empty single that was left unlocked that residents were using for this purpose anyway, ResLife decided to beat ‘em to the punch and take credit for this great idea, officially dedicating the communal sex room to the freshman class for coining the concept.
A representative from ResLife released a statement saying, “what was once a cozy single is now a sex room that will benefit the Colgate community as a whole. Perfect for any occasion, especially when you’ve sexiled your roommate one too many times and she’s this close to physically fighting you, or simply for those times when the person you want to hook up with is so questionable that you simply can’t risk anyone on your floor seeing them enter or leave your room.” The representative went further to say “we think this room will have a great impact on the community. In a safe-sex promotion campaign, we will be leaving free condoms in the room; however, for kinkier actions users will have to bring their own supplies.”
So far, the room has gotten mixed reviews. Many expressed relief that Colgate has finally become progressive enough to offer such an amenity, while others expressed disgust at the condition of the room. One freshman girl, herself a frequent patron of the communal sex room, complained that “there were so many used condoms lying around that you could barely see the floor, and someone even broke the mattress the other night doing God knows what, now I get back problems from sleeping on it!” Despite her complaints, the freshman girl, who will remain nameless, confirmed that despite the conditions of the room she would continue to use it as often as possible.
Other residents have expressed different concerns. Allegedly, the communal sex room has presented a problem for the students living nearby. Some residents claimed that they could hear “noises” coming from the room on any given night. When asked to elaborate, they replied that they were “too shook to talk about it.” Problems have also arisen when more than one couple finds themselves competing over the room. ResLife has advised these individuals to sort it out amongst themselves using “I don’t know, maybe a rotation or something?” As with anything, progress is always met with backlash and its own set of challenges. Despite the difficulties, the Colgate community has expressed a positive reaction to this new ResLife policy.
The Monthly Rag 
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