Sex Position: The Ole Peppermint Twist

This position, also known as “Something Funky with a Candy Cane,” is a real crowd pleaser during the holiday season. We recommend beginning preparations at least three days in advance, including hourly stretching, drinking plenty of water, and a few hot yoga sessions. Once you and your partner feel adequately limber, each take separate cold showers with peppermint-scented soaps, followed by peppermint lotions, peppermint-flavored mouthwash, and peppermint perfumes. This step is essential to the success of your love-making; the goal of this position is to feel as if you are fucking a candy cane, and that is impossible to achieve without a suffocating amount of peppermint scents and flavors. Rejoin your partner for the next step; now you begin painting each other in the red and white twisted stripe pattern of a candy cane. After you are both entirely covered in paint, tape candy canes to all of your fingers and give into passion. Following climax, eat the candy canes and pillow-talk about your daddy issues.