Students Say Commons are Weird and Stupid

HAMILTON, NY — “Fuck the Commons,” exclaimed Jake Keystone during his interview with the Rag, expelling rage at the mere existence of such a needlessly complicated and—for the lack of better phrase—fucking stupid system. “Tbe only thing that the Commons do right is that they let us into other buildings and give us free food.”

Such statements were repeated by multiple students who willingly approached the Rag to talk about issues with the wannabe Harry Potter House System which, most of the time, doesn’t even make sense. Another student complained, “Why the fuck are East and West not in the same Commons? What about Andrews and Stillman? Who gives a shit about Social Houses when they’re at the bottom of the fucking hill, and I’m all the way at the top? What’s even in the Social Houses? Is it booze? Pong? Or is it some more lame-ass elderly dogs that only pay attention to you if you give them the shitty Oliveri’s that the Commons provides? I don’t even know who’s in charge of our Commons. Like, they want to make a point of [the Commons System] being there, but they don’t do…Anything!”

According to many supporters of the Commons Program, the forceful confinement of everyone who accidentally showed up to an event allowed them to bond with those around them who also felt, “Hey, this shit sucks. Let’s be friends.” For others, it allowed them to find out who in their building was weird, helping them gauge who to avoid. A few First-Year drug dealers wised up and took advantage of these awkward social occasions as networking events, allowing them to build up their client portfolios.

Ironic, however, is the forced separation of students due to the system placed in the name of community. According to Kelly Gorgonzola, “The Commons check your Colgate ID and run your name down a list. If your name isn’t on the list, you sometimes just don’t get to participate in the event, which is kind of weird when they only have, like, four people from the Commons show up who get to eat trays upon trays of ketchup-topped cardboard.”

The consensus: Commons pretty much do nothing but provide food and sanctuary from Campo in the form of disruptive coloration, as everyone is forced to wear those disgustingly-bright shirts and look like one big, happy, inbred family.