HAMILTON, NY — Developmental studies from prestigious universities have statistically shown that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment. Psychology students from this university have demonstrated that Colgate students thrive in academic extracurriculars when rewarded with booze, and lots of it. Pubs have become such an intrinsic aspect of collegiate clubs and communities that without social binge drinking, many groups have suffered exponential declines in participation. This is one of those groups.

The literally-just-founded Monthly Rag Student Union vehemently protested the absence of inappropriate and underaged partying within this prestigious literary community, following the unwarranted raincheck on the Rag’s first and only pub of the semester. “First of all, it was BYOB,” class scapegoat Diller Mowner explained, while deleting his half-baked article ideas in solidarity. “Like, you expect me to find my own booze? I can barely get into the Jug.” It should be emphasized that Mowner is a member of the Social Sciences Club, originally the Upperclassmen Drinking Club, and therefore has a high expectation of intellectual peers to coerce him into early-onset alcoholism. He was not alone in this counterinsurgency against the satirical hierarchy, but there were a few pricks in the bunch. Freshman plebe Brick Thompson, one of the only two members to send in an article on time, explained his rationality for ignoring the internal revolution, “I mean there was probably wasn’t a “leak” in the editor’s dorm, but like I wouldn’t want me in my dorm either. I was almost banned from Slice’s after what I did to their bath- room on Halloween.” Slices would give no comment about what exactly Brick did to their bathroom on Halloween. The audacity to expect this community of aspiring assholes to find their own alcohol for a pub, and then cancel the pub altogether, is offensive and outrageous. A finals-fueled anxiety unquenched by Keystone is a catalyst for revolution. And yet, by the Grace of God (or the sentient pile of SNL VCR tapes all Rag initiates must relinquish their eternal souls to), this issue has arrived but with only a minor delay. Because despite our lack of deteriorated livers, our minds still burn with the sharpness of Skyy and the eternal hell re of Svedka. Our passion is as eternal as a tequila hangover, and despite the odds we will still continue to dispense angsty bullshit until we are too large a liability to be funded by the university. Unlike the Maroon News, we have standards.