HAMILTON, NY — The situation in the fourth floor Case Library women’s bathroom has received official crisis status as of press time. Three hours prior a record was broken for Colgate’s longest poop standoff, ever. The two unidentified females have been occupying the second and middle stalls of the bathroom for over 32 hours now, each waiting for the other to give up and move to a different bathroom for her bowel movement.

For those unfamiliar with the poop standoff, your ignorance is understandable, as these typically afflict the female population and events of this magnitude are rare. There are a number of theories that seek to explain the female poop standoff phenomenon. Many point to societal pressures on women to fart glitter and shit rainbows, rather than allowing them to accept and enjoy a nice, steamy dump. High rates of poop shyness and a lack of accessible one-stall bathrooms around campus occasionally bring girls head-to-head while trying to secretly take a public shit. It tends to play out in a scenario involving one person entering the bathroom first, and believing the bathroom to be empty, beginning her pooping process. This is immediately followed by the entrance of a second person, who assumes that the first person will be leaving the bathroom shortly. She enters the stall, and waits her turn to poop. This is the trap. Both now sit in utter silence, delaying defecation in the hopes that the other will leave.

The length of any given poop stando depends on two main factors: rates of stubborness and strength of anal muscles in both players. A question of mental health comes into play when an occurrence lasts longer than four hours, as pointed out by clinical psychologist Dr. Hhardschtoole, “Most rational people would just give in and shit with someone else there, like, at a certain point both people know the other is there to lay a deuce, so own it. Really let ‘er rip.” Many agree with Dr. Hhardschtoole’s “let ‘er rip” sentiments, and in the wake of a record-breaking poop standoff, rumors of an anti-poop shyness movement are flying.

The two players (victims?) in this historic fourth floor poop standoff have yet to be identified, nor has either made any move to shit or move. The bathroom remains silent, except for a few rustles of the toilet paper holder and some shuffling feet. Emergency responders are concerned that the girls have lost feeling in their lower bodies, and at this point are likely unable to shit or move. Medical evacuation is imminent.

HAMILTON, NY — Switching gears from its usual highly intellectual and sophisticated critiques to hard hitting investigative journalism, the Rag this month sent a team to find out more about what’s been on everyone’s minds lately: Colgate’s rodent infestation.

When mice emerged in Curtis and Drake last semester, they instantly went viral. Responses ranged from Lululemon clad freshmen girls shrieking, “There is mice poop on my pillow; my Dad is totally gonna pull all of his donations when he hears about this!!” to barefoot OE members carrying bags of hand-ground granola saying, “I’m glad the school is finally trying to bring us closer with nature. We’ve had mice in the Loj for months. Thank God they finally brought them to the dorms,” to aspiring frat stars who mused, “Bro, how much coke do you think I could feed this mouse before it like passes out or something?” in between hits of their Juuls. Regardless of the response, the Curtis mice were on everyone who is anyone’s snapchat story.

Next in the saga of the rodent invasion: rumors surfaced at the start of the semester that the Coop had suffered a rat infestation over break. When asked for a comment, staff replied that the rumor is not true: “I have never walked into the Coop to find rats Pani- ni-pressing their own sandwiches. I’ve also never seen any rats trying to walk out without paying for their sushi–that’s absurd.” Rag reporters thought that this response was oddly specific, even suspiciously so, but did not press the evidently traumatized employee.