Campus Safety Officer Reported to Have “Completely Given Up”

HAMILTON, NY — According to a statement released by Lieutenant Sitts, Colgate Campus Safety has “given up” on actually policing Colgate. “There are only so many wasted freshman girls you can drive back to Drake before it just starts getting to be too much,” said Sitts last Thursday. “Do you know how many candles we confiscated last week? Fourteen. Fourteen fucking candles. Just stop. We know you’re smoking weed. Stop with the goddamn candles already.”

As of last Tuesday, Campus Safety is now operating on a unanimous vote from all twenty-three members to completely halt all services on Colgate University grounds. Consequentially, members of the Colgate student body have noticed a distinct lack of older men in security uniforms staring them down suspiciously as they smoke outside and vans stalking after them at 2:37 AM as they stumble up the hill from the Jug.

No officer of Campus Safety could be reached for further statement, as they had all left at 1:00 pm on Thursday following three inches of snow. Members of Colgate can expect to peacefully have candles in their room until Monday, at which time that one really aggressive campo officer, who is totally always on a power trip and so annoying, is expected to return and confiscate all of them.