Delta Upsilon Infects Campus with Cow Strep

HAMILTON, NY — As a particularly contagious flu season comes to its end, Colgate students have looked optimistically towards a feverless, phlegm-less future for their emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually compromised immune systems. Relieved that they may once again steals sips from anonymous Keystones and swap saliva with sanitarily ambiguous strangers, many have returned to the party scene with an unprecedented hormonal fervor. But tread with caution, naive nymphomaniacs, for a new hazard lurks behind the inviting facade of our filthy, dilapidated frat estates. Streptococcal Infection C, also known as Strep C, or “that nasty cough the thot in your micro-econ class has had for like a week” has grown increasingly common around campus, following a recent outbreak believed to have originated at DU over the weekend.

Symptoms of the illness include fever, sore throat, and coughing, all caused by TINY BUGS EATING AWAY AT YOUR THROAT’S FLESH – tiny flesh eating bugs commonly transferred by sharing food or shoving your tongue down someone else’s throat. If you have any of these symptoms, or just feel like shit, medical experts would advise you to go to the Student Health Center to receive antibiotics along with pitying looks of judgment on account of your undoubtable hoe-ish behaviour.

What is particularly unique, however, is the origins of this particular strain. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill throat-bugs, these are barnyard throat-bugs. Yes, Strep C is typically contracted from livestock and barnyard animals. As the Monthly Rag is a cultured literary magazine only focused on the most erudite of discussions and topics, we won’t address the obvious fact that DU fucks cows, but rather why they would choose to fuck cows. The theories are as limitless as a Colgate student’s access to psychoactive drugs: few and underwhelming.

“I think its to deter Juul-moochers,” local conspiracy theorist Dasani Batali argues. “If you infect people with nasty-ass cow diseases, they probably won’t want to take a hit from your pen. Or they just like to fuck cows.” The administration has already gone to great lengths to stifle any controversy regarding the outbreak, practically draining the fraternity hush money slush for the semester. With such bureaucratic veils disrupting our freedom to information, it’s uncertain we will ever know the origins or motives behind this event, whether it be biochemical terrorism or mere accident. But DU probably fucks cows.