HAMILTON, NY — After a long semester of fraternity parties being closed off to young and naive freshmen per administrative rules, many fraternity bros assumed that the start of the new semester would be an exciting time for the newly legal first-year students. Members of Delta Upsilon were shocked, come the first Saturday after add-drop period ended, that their open party at “The Castle” attracted a shockingly low number of freshman girls. In fact, the party had been raging on for a good hour before members of DU realized that it was just freshman football players up on the tables, and that they had been grinding on only each other.
“It was really surprising to us that the first night we finally opened the doors to the hottest fraternity party in all of Hamilton… Actually, maybe even New York, and no freshman girls even came. I mean, the football team was Patriot League Champions, after all. Well, tied for champions. And we did lose to the team that we tied with for the championship. But still. Yeah. Champions,” one DU member said. “And once we realized that no freshman girls were there, we also realized that no girls from other grades were there either. We checked the bathrooms and everything. No one.”
A survey of first year female students at Colgate University revealed that every single one, had, in fact, attended a DU party thrown in the first semester. Interestingly, half of first-year male students had also been in attendance at a party, the most popular way of entry being “putting your head down and pushing.” 48% of professors, 96% of Frank workers, 24% of residents at the Hamilton Senior Citizen Center, 69% of current Colgate students’ parents, and a full first-grade class from Hamilton Elementary School have also snuck into DU parties in the past.
“Have I been to a party at DU? Oh god yes. I went to one at the beginning of the year and haven’t been back since,” an unnamed first-year student exclaimed. “It’s always the same— terrible music, the freshmen football players jumping off the tables, and the drinks running out in .5 seconds. Only losers still go there. I’m into more exclusive parties.” Our anonymous source failed to confirm what these exclusive parties were, but us writers of the Rag are almost positive she means showing up at The Jug when she knows sorority girls will be there.
Delta Upsilon has to take drastic action to save their reputation before it’s too late. Although head football coach Dan Hunt refused to comment directly, a reliable source reported that he is “disappointed, but not surprised” about the disastrous party.
The Monthly Rag 
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