HAMILTON, NY — Switching gears from its usual highly intellectual and sophisticated critiques to hard hitting investigative journalism, the Rag this month sent a team to find out more about what’s been on everyone’s minds lately: Colgate’s rodent infestation.
When mice emerged in Curtis and Drake last semester, they instantly went viral. Responses ranged from Lululemon clad freshmen girls shrieking, “There is mice poop on my pillow; my Dad is totally gonna pull all of his donations when he hears about this!!” to barefoot OE members carrying bags of hand-ground granola saying, “I’m glad the school is finally trying to bring us closer with nature. We’ve had mice in the Loj for months. Thank God they finally brought them to the dorms,” to aspiring frat stars who mused, “Bro, how much coke do you think I could feed this mouse before it like passes out or something?” in between hits of their Juuls. Regardless of the response, the Curtis mice were on everyone who is anyone’s snapchat story.
Next in the saga of the rodent invasion: rumors surfaced at the start of the semester that the Coop had suffered a rat infestation over break. When asked for a comment, staff replied that the rumor is not true: “I have never walked into the Coop to find rats Pani- ni-pressing their own sandwiches. I’ve also never seen any rats trying to walk out without paying for their sushi–that’s absurd.” Rag reporters thought that this response was oddly specific, even suspiciously so, but did not press the evidently traumatized employee.
Proving that indeed no place is safe anymore, Frank was next on the rodent hit list. One student, innocently perusing the Sunday night sundae bar, came across a mole invading the sacred space that is Frank dining hall. The student captured the intruder in one of the Frank cups, released the mole outside, and promptly put the cup back in rotation. The cup still haunts members of the Colgate community who can’t help but wonder if they share a drinking cup with the fearsome mole that broke into Frank that one night.
With all of these rodent invasions, it appears that the weird guy from your Legacies class isn’t the only thing that won’t stop hitting you up this semester. The Rag’s prediction for the next member of the rodent family to visit Colgate’s campus? Beavers in Lathrop. You heard it here first.
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