HAMILTON, NY — The Jug is off to an arousing success for the start of 2018. With Jugmas behind us (not that any of us remember that night anyway), Mista J has to concockt some new specials to keep our drunk asses coming back for more. Our insider analysts have confirmed that a new drink will be appearing just in time for recently-single Brad’s favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. Reports say that this adult beverage will consist of tomato juice, ground-up Sweethearts, enough grain alcohol to fill up the rest of the glass, and, to top it all off, Viagra. It’s rumored to be called the “4 Hour Erection,” and you have to sign a waiver before consuming this monstrosity. When ordered, the bartender will read you your Miranda Rights and the side effects (diarrhea, constipation, a mix of the two, boundless sexual energy, your top two buttons of your shirt will be undone to show off your new testosterone-fueled chest bush, and, in rare cases, webbed feet). John Jug warns that he and the Old Stone Jug will not be covering any copays for urologist visits.

As time draws nearer to the most romantic time of the year, preparations are being made at the most romantic venue on the planet. I hear Michelle is putting up streamers, and LL Cool Jug is loading up the fog machine with new rosy pink cartridges. Little bowls of shitty candy are out and about. The Spotify playlist is being put together, and we can only speculate that the songs added are cheesy love songs from the decade of excess, the ‘80s. Included in the price of admission is a free Valentine’s Day card that you can then give to your significant other. Some examples include cards that say “Happy consumerist-driven, trivial interpretation of love day,” “I’d rather die alone,” and the timeless classic, “Are you the funds in my bank account? Because you’re insufficient.”

We’ll have our best people down at the Jug on the 14th to get the top coverage and interviews for all the celebrities attending. You can expect the normal sweaty grinding and white girls singing “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers, but this time around, there will be love in the air.