HAMILTON, NY — The first thing every Colgate student, okay let’s be honest, every Colgate freshman girl learns, is the importance of elevated surfaces at a party. However, most students do not think much of it beyond the aggressive “help me up” to a sweaty stranger who then lifts them onto that coveted spot on a table. But why is it that elevated surfaces have become such a critical part of a night out? The Rag has come up with a few theories:
- It is the best angle for Snapchat stories. How will people know if you were at the most lit party of the semester if you do not remind them with 16 vaguely similar Snapchat stories? The elevated surface allows your Snap story to pan around the room and capture just how over maximum capacity the place is.
- It is easy to spot that random kid from your Challenges class who you want to know how cool you are. From the vantage point of the elevated surface, you can clearly see the entire room. This way, when someone you only vaguely know walks in, you will see them before they see you. This allows you to scream their name and wave maniacally until they come over and give you an awkward hug while you lean down from your spot on the elevated surface. They now know that you are super fun and like to party.
- You are out of the splash zone of spilled drinks. On an elevated surface, you are the one spilling the punch onto the plebeians below you. You don’t have to fear retaliation either, because no one can get to you when you are on an elevated surface. Not only are you asserting your dominance, you manage to keep your clothes stain-free in the process.
Without the presence of elevated surfaces, Colgate students would all blend together, with no one proving to be better than anyone else. But thanks to the sets of rickety tables at every social event, the necessary hierarchy of those who are on elevated surfaces and those who are not has been put in place for all eternity.
The Monthly Rag 
Recent Comments