HAMILTON, NY — After months of cancelled parties that disrupted the campus social schedule, DU brothers breaking the floor with their beefiness, and lost opportunities to hook up with freshmen girls, the brothers of Sigma Chi decided to do something about their infamous party house known as “The Swamp.” One brother who had an unusual obsession with home renovation suggested that they bring in the frat bros of HGTV, Jonathan and Drew Scott, stars of Property Brothers. The bros on all sides quickly agreed to terms, with the Scotts saying they would do the work for free because they “missed [their] own frat days so much, brah.”
Jonathan and Drew arrived in Hamilton several weeks later, and upon their first tour of the Swamp could barely contain their disgust. “Honestly, I’ve been in some pretty gross houses, but I’ve never seen anything as bad as that. You have to try to break something that way,” said Drew. However, they had to get down to work immediately, as the brothers had a long list of demands that needed to be completed in time for Block Party. The social chair, who shall remain nameless for security reasons, stated that “we definitely need this place to not break again, but we also want some built in speakers, a smaller kitchen to save space, some fridges to keep our keystones cool, and places to hide our hard alcohol. Oh, and we have to get our backyard SPW-ready.”
The Scott bros drew up some plans quickly and set to work.
Several weeks into the reno project, the Rag checked in with Jonathan to see what progress had been made. “You know, it’s a tough one. But we’ve fixed the door and reinforced it with some material normally just used for military buildings, which was expensive but de nitely worth it given what these guys normally do to the house,” said Jonathan. “However, I have some surprises up my sleeve for the boys. I’ve decided to do some renovations on their brothers’ room, including a hand-painted crest on the wall and a beautifully crafted cocaine table that they will cherish forever.”
When the house was ready, the brothers came by to take a tour from Jonathan and Drew. Outside, the boys were impressed by how nice the new dancing platform looked, and the speakers conveniently built into every tree would elevate every fraturday experience. As they moved inside, they were more and more in awe of their new house with every room. When Jonathan finally revealed the new brothers room, they were so touched by all the custom details that they decided to initiate Jonathan and Drew as brothers of Sigma Chi on the spot.
The Monthly Rag 
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