HAMILTON, NY — The Colgate party scene is a sensitive and unique ecosystem, with each individual carefully adapted to fit their niches. So, when the laws of nature are disrupted, the only reaction is utter chaos. When a new apex predator emerges from the ranks of the meek, one can only expect the most iconic power struggle since the Cold War and the greatest parties since heroine was openly endorsed by the medical community.
During Campus Security’s annual spring break DEA roleplay through the freshman dorms, unprecedented quantities of drugs, alcohol, and fire mixtapes were confiscated, and a monolith of Colgate hypocrisy was born. Several members of campus security entrepreneurial staff, decided rather drain the bottles and trashing the drugs they could make the college an impressive profit by selling the goods back to their desperate previous owners. “We already had a blackmarket candle retribution company,” one anonymous security officer explained. “We’d melt down the confiscated candles and sell them on Etsy. Reselling students their drugs seemed like the next step. We found this box in one of the Curtis suites labeled ‘Sin Bin where they hid all their shit, and from there we just felt these rich lil’ fucks were asking for it.”
Thus Kappa Alpha Mu Pi Omicron, Hamilton’s newest underground frat was born, soon to open to the public with rates to rival the Jugs’, inclusivity to rival the fraternities, and access to functioning sanitary bathrooms to rival both. For only seven dollars at the entrance and three dollars a shot, Colgate students can indulge in the bachean delights of their own secondhand contraband. When asking concerningly regular Jug goer, Savannah McTrustfund, about KAMPO’s beverage selection, McTrustfund responded: “They have all my favorites, the sorta deceivingly sweet hard liquors that perpetuate rape culture. There are so many Four Loko flavors here it makes it hard to decide which I want to be vomiting back up in the next four hours.”
What truly sets KAMPO apart is its wide selection of narcotics available at below market prices. “They really pay attention to their customers,” high functioning stoner Robby Riddline unsolicitedly offered between hits of his dab pen. “I mentioned to one of the guys that I had had this really dank strain taken by Campo a few days ago, the next time I came over they had the exact same kind! And they gave me such a good deal; only $80 for an eighth.”
Vying for Hamilton-wide dominance, this young buck is already locking horns with the veteran alpha. Striking straight for the heart, KAMPO has offered Michelle a full time position as hostess of their establishment. Should she chose to accept and arouse the greatest backstabbing since Brutus, civil war should surely erupt in a battle of underrage binge drinking so severe it may make us rethink the 18th Amendment.
The Monthly Rag 
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