HAMILTON, NY — Colgate students have resorted to extreme measures to ensure they have cubicles during the library rush on Sundays. With half of the semester over, classes ramp up and the amount and intensity of work grows exponentially, making quality work spaces even more necessary and putting a strain on this scarce resource.
Research suggests the cubicle shortage is compounded by the bizarre usage patterns that scientists believe are related to the “Fraturday Phenomenon.” Early phase studies are showing that no matter how much work any given student has during a week, there is only a 0.01 percent chance that they will pass on fraturday, essentially always choosing to drink themselves into oblivion during the day, requiring that after they wake up hungover on Sunday morning they spend all day in the library doing the work they should have spread out over a few days. Empirical evidence to support these findings are quotes from students including the likes of, “I didn’t come here to play school,” “I’m gonna still be drunk in the lib tomorrow,” “fraturdays are for the boys,” and, “this is a work-hard-play-hard school,” which is actually a statement tour guides are required to say by the Office of Admission. Students have begun to adapt to this cycle, internalizing the understanding that if they show up to the library after 11 AM they can go fuck themselves because there are absolutely no seats anywhere in the lib.
A few desperate students have begun showing up to the library shit faced after fraturday to put their books in cubicles to hold their spots. “It’s honestly very effective, as long as the librarians don’t evict you from the lib for public intoxication when you’re putting stuff down,” commented junior Brad McChad, “also, if you wake up at like 4PM on Sunday I’d put money on some bitch ass has probably already moved your shit.” Others not as willing as Brad to take the risk of losing their spot to a bitch ass sleepover in the Flex Room, so they can be the first ones through the doors on Sunday morning. Some have taken this concept and monetizing, providing their cubicle stakeout services for a fee, which is remarkably, and unsurprisingly, popular amongst the students who bribed their way into Colgate. “I honestly see it as putting daddy’s money to good use, because I get my favorite cubicle on the fourth floor and someone less fortunate has money to do whatever it is poor people do with money,” sophomore Elizabeth Walderf commented to the Rag.
Even after a student has secured a cubicle on Sunday, abandoning his post is a dangerous game. “I really fucked up. I left two of my textbooks at home and the midterms were literally the next day. I couldn’t risk someone swooping my cube while I was gone; I had no choice,” said Jake Jakobs. “I had to mark my territory.” And in case the fraturday punch killed one too many of your brain cells, we’ll put it plain terms: he peed on his cubicle so no one else would take it.
It seems like this cubicle crisis could be solved by the school providing more cubicles, or even just more decent study spaces outside of the library. But since Colgate has never reasonably responded to the needs of its students, the Rag will continue to report on the escalating craziness and desperation of students looking to write 12 page papers hungover and tweaking on adderall.
The Monthly Rag 
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