HAMILTON, NY — Picture this: you’re chilling in the Hamilton Eatery with the broskis, unhinging your jaw like a snake to just inhale a Big Willy and you want something to drink. But you’re sick of soda and iced tea. You reach for a Keystone, but a hand stops you. It’s attached to a member of the Colgate Connoisseurs wine tasting club. He hands you a glass of Nicolas Pinot Noir from Vin de Pays, France from 2008. Mmm, a good year. He tells you that there are notes of roasted fruits, leather, and clove which create a subtle, yet robust flavor, and you listen to his smooth voice like an erotic ASMR video.
Starting with a small loan of a million dollars, the Colgate Connoisseurs began their sommelier journey by sipping Franzia Rosé boxed wine. The club posted wine review videos on YouTube; they amassed over 20,000 subscribers with video content like “Cabernet Sauvignon (Review) (Tasting) (GONE SEXUAL)” and “WE DRINK PROSECCO IN FRONT OF THE COPS!!! (18+).” After receiving attention and fame across all of the Colgate campus, more and more students joined, and with more funding, they finally were able to take a trip to wine country, France. When the Colgate Connoisseurs returned to Hamilton, they were donning baguettes, berets, and a metric shit-ton of Chardonnay.
Just this past week, I was invited to one of their weekly meetings. I walked into the back of Cooley Science Library and immediately noticed I was supremely underdressed. Also, it seemed as though I had missed the pregame; the club members were pretty sloshed. They were standing around, swirling the wine in their glasses, and saying things like “aromas of lemon, apple, and pear are greeted with notes of ripe pear and creamy butter scotch” and “bold fruit flavors lead into a complex, dry finish.” I replied, “When I finish, it might not be dry enough for ya.” They all stared at me, their eyes daggers.
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