HAMILTON, NY — Local DU brother and totally-not-made-up stereotype Meat McMash (6’9”, 400 lbs) has offered to give the Monthly Rag an insider scoop on how to get as swole as possible while also dedicating your time to chugging as much Keystone as your body could handle:
MONDAY, WEDNESDAY, FRIDAY
12:00PM — Meat starts his day, missing two of his classes already. He then waddles down to the kitchen and prepares himself his superfood of choice: two handfuls of shredded beef soaked in blue Gatorade. This snack will last him until class.
12:20PM — Meat makes it to his class with another one of his concoctions: roughly four beers mixed with two handfuls of Extreme Milk Chocolate Gold Standard 100% Whey. This lets him get his buzz on early while still bulking.
1:30PM — Meat heads over to the gym and lifts for the next 7 hours, consuming his dinner of spaghetti and more beer-whey in between his deadlifts.
9:00PM — Meat begins to gear up for some absolute ragers, consuming inhuman amounts of Gatorade beef and spaghetti. He washes down his meal with a rack of Keystone.
10:00PM — Meat walks into the party fashionably late with his emergency calories of Gatorade beef and spaghetti packed neatly into his Superman lunchbox. He eats his rations throughout the night, intermittently slamming his face into a few brewchachos and some fat lines of whey.
7:15AM — Meat finally leaves the party as the last man alive, proving himself the alpha male. At this point, he has consumed roughly 23,568 calories.
TUESDAY, THURSDAY
4:00PM — Meat starts his day a bit late, stirring from his sleep to grab some more beef before realizing he’s missed his fourth class.
5:00PM — Meat heads to the gym, shifting his focus from glutes for the sloots to work his tree trunk-sized arms. He bench-presses for the next 7 hours, gorging on what he dubs his “swole-juice”: 8 parts Keystone to 4 parts blue Gatorade to 3 parts whey with an added 1 cup of assorted nuts and 2 raw eggs.
12:00AM — Meat stays up for an extra 2 hours catching up on missed calories by consuming an absolute fuckton of spaghetti.
2:00AM — Meat finally falls asleep after marathoning his high-school football highlight reel, finishing the day with roughly 25,086 calories.
Overall, Meat finishes his week with roughly 120,876 calories, putting him at the average for about three fully-grown lions combined. Meat broke down into tears when asked why he ate so much food, explaining through his sudden sobs, “I eat because the world wants me to… I have a stereotype to uphold — a dumb, muscular meathead… Do you think I wanna fail the fuck out? Do you think I want a 2.02 GPA? This is all I have. This is all I’ll ever be.”
Meat looked into his mirror, gazing emptily into his giant fucking arms, crying silently.
“At least I’m fuckin’ shredded, bro. I’m fuckin’ jacked.”
The Monthly Rag 
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