HAMILTON, NY — Bad Bitch of the Month alert! Ringing in this new feature of the Rag, we could think of no one more qualified for the inaugural Bad Bitch spotlight than Phi Delta Theta fraternity. We couldn’t even pick just one member; every guy there is literally such an absolute dawg that we are making the whole fraternity the spotlight. Here are your top 5 baddies of Phi Delt:
5. Guy who had his mom stand in for him during hazing his sophomore year. Baby Brad had an Intro to Econ exam he was really stressed for but Susan took it like a champ. Running on only one hour of sleep she was able to chug a whole handle faster than any other pledge and is the reigning wrestling champion. Susan was recently awarded “bro” status for her heroic brotherly efforts. You can find her photo on the 2016-2017 composite.
4. Guy who stole a chaser from the C-Store. If you think that petty theft is a joke then think again. There is nothing better than washing down your cheap Svedka with the sweet taste of a stolen powerade. Extra points for standing up to the capitalist machine that is the C-Store.
3. The OG Shitter. This guy lent $20 to a “friend” one night and when he hadn’t been repaid by 11:00 a.m. the next morning, he shit on the guy’s desk. Do you see why we put friend in quotes now? This guy made the #3 position because he kicked off the trend of using your own shit in inconvenient places as retaliation. Rock the fuck on. (Notable successors include the elusive Beta Porch Shitter, and whoever dropped a deuce that one time on the 4th floor of the library; take that, Case-Geyer!!)
2. Tattoo Guy, aka Rick “The Ink” Johnson. When blackout drunk with your friends you should definitely always let them give you a stick and poke tattoo, in a shape of their choice. Don’t forget to make sure that it’s posted all over social media, so everyone has a chance to see your shame.
1. Fam, you already know. This baddie, known as “Hammer” Mitchelson, smashed his and his “friends’” cars, stashed the hammer and whatever else it is kids are using to smash cars with these days in a shallow stream in the woods and lit it on fire but either couldn’t figure out how to make lighter fluid flammable or got bored and quit, bringing a whole new meaning to the old college try. Obviously his master plan was foiled, and the bag was found along with receipts for the items, which were easily traceable to security tapes of him buying the goods. No, we’re not just recounting the plot of a Scooby-doo episode. This guy is P-E-T-T-Y, like to the level of Ray J circa the release of “I Hit it First.”
The Monthly Rag 
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