Students Suffer ASTR101 Existential Bouts
April 22, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — For some, astronomy is but an elective, and for others, the field is nothing but pretty pictures of simulated galaxies; but for a select group enrolled in ASTR101, astronomy is a wake-up call – one that reminds those few soft shitty bodies that we all die eventually, and our lives are mere blinks in the eyes of the universe at large.
“My existence stopped mattering when I saw the moons of Jupiter for the first time,” explains freshman Twizzlerdick McBlick, who was in the middle of his Nietzcshe when the Rag asked for his opinion. “The sheer scope of our very own solar system baffled me, so then imagined the entirety of the universe, and then I remembered us – remembered people – and realized that we are literally fleshy meatsack poop-factories floating on a ball of dead dinosaurs and dirt.”
To say the least, these kids needed to lighten up, but according to multiple sources, it appears to be an impossibility to improve the attitudes of the newly-dubbed “Existentialism Club.” If anything, these individuals act as black holes in any party-scene, sucking all enjoyment out of other partygoers who bear witness to their mumblings about the inevitable threat of death that constantly looms over every living creature. Frat-star Football Football had the following to say:
“They show up, they quote Kierkegaard, and they leave. It’s sort of like a plague of emo locusts that steal all your alcohol and make you sad.” Football then proceeded to ball up into the fetal position and rock back and forth as a single tear rolled down his oddly-oily face. He would join Existentialism Club later that day, never appearing again to his once-brothers. Some say the legendary figure actually disappeared into the Adirondacks on a soul-searching journey, but we here at the Rag will never know the true fate of Football.
In addition to the obvious emotional toll, the creation of the Existentialism Club has resulted in some serious feuding between our boys at Foggy Bottom and the Philosophy Department. Some view the struggle as Colgate’s own version of the classic “Good Versus Evil” feud, and thus consider the end-times for our beautiful campus to be near as tensions continue to build. Plenty of Challenges of Modernity classes were also forced to shut down, as members of the club would exclusively study the nihilistic authors of the curriculum and refuse to believe in any other school of thought when considering the value of human existence.
We here at the Rag would like to conclude with a warning to our readers of the observed symptoms of early onset existentialist bouts: nihilism, loss of interest in anything other than old German men, loss of appetite and thirst, sudden brooding tendencies, inability to express emotion, and sudden growth of ridiculous facial hair akin to that of said German men – regardless of gender. If you or a loved one begin to display any of the following signs, the Student Health Center recommends to “calm the fuck down,” “put some clothes on, you disgusting lump,” and “get the fuck out of here; you’re scaring people.”
Marvel Fans Struggle to Avoid Movie Spoilers
April 22, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — With finals in full swing, it becomes extremely easy for the student body to miss out on their favorite shows and the like when they’re fucking around busy in Case with all their assignments so unfairly forced upon them by their professors. As such, even the most diehard of fans fall behind on their favorite franchises; with the backlash created by the most recent Avengers: Infinity War, many Marvel fanatics have turned to a life of solidarity, refusing to leave their rooms for any reason other than to go to class and perhaps scrounge the trash-cans for leftover scraps in the dead of night.
In true A Quiet Place fashion, any sort of sound sets the superhero fans off, driving them into a frenzy and allowing them to triangulate your location with their supersonic hearing in order to inform you that they “haven’t fucking seen the fuck- ing movie so don’t fucking spoil it you fucking fucker” before promptly kicking you in the ribs. Though, a new club was founded in the wake of this escalated tension: a crew of students with megaphones regularly make their rounds on campus roofs and shout fake spoilers into the air, drawing in a massive crowd of rabid fans. One such member, Lays Potatochip, approached the Rag’s soundproofed bunker in Drake’s basement for a comment:
“It’s just something to do, honestly. I’ve managed to convince so many people that the Soul Stone is actually Hulk’s left nut, and they totally buy it. You can fucking say anything, and not only will they believe you, but they’ll also give up on ever seeing the movie, because they think you just ruined the entire thing. Hell, I made a kid in Case have a mental breakdown because I said in passing that I couldn’t believe they brought in Kim Jong Un for his Hollywood debut.”
To say the least, the film has caused quite the uproar on our little hill, with violent assaults on the rise as we begin to leave for summer—although, those numbers are totally inflated by SPW. Remember: until you get out of the Syracuse airport, stay quiet, and stay safe.
Donovan’s Pub Bravely Run by One Employee
April 22, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Colgate students were reportedly up in arms this weekend when Donovan’s Pub beat its own record for the longest time between ordering and receiving one’s food. Ever. While Donovan’s has never been known for its speed or to have any method as to the way it operates, things are looking especially grim these days. Further investigation into the mystery that is Donovan’s Pub has uncovered the largest issue facing Donnie’s today: Barb is the only remaining employee.
“When my spinach and artichoke dip hadn’t come out in two hours, I decided to go look for someone,” said sophomore Emily Jones. “I walked into the kitchen and there was Barb in a chef’s hat using the deep fryer and swiping gate cards at the same time.”
Barb is known for flying through Donovan’s at top speed, taking orders and delivering food in God only knows what order, but it looks like she has stepped into a larger role in recent weeks.
“I went to Donnie’s for dinner the other night and was surprised when Barb didn’t greet us,” said freshman Max Goldstein. “But then we sat down and I realized it was because she was performing a stand-up routine.”
According to patrons of Donovan’s, when they attempt to use RockBot, they find they are locked out, with LOLitsbarb420 as the only available DJ in the area. She has been spotted hosting trivia, grilling burgers, and bussing tables. One student even claimed he saw her taking a nap behind the bar.
“I don’t know how she does it,” said freshman Lucy Reed. “The other day she brought our food to our table and was carrying four orders of spinach and artichoke dip, two orders of mozzarella sticks, and ten pulled pork sandwiches.”
As a Colgate staple, Donovan’s seems to have shockingly little upkeep by dining services. When asked about the state of staffing at Donovan’s, one Chartwells employee (who requested to remain anonymous) was quoted saying, “Wait, what are you talking about?” Although unconfirmed, it is likely that at this point Barb has acquired the rights to own and operate Donovan’s Pub herself, without any Colgate interference. Reports to come on the possible name change to the more apt: Barb’s Pub.
Normal Human Mark Zuckerberg Testifies Before Human Congress
April 22, 2018 by Leave a Comment
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Everyday human citizen Mark Zuckerberg provided his testimony before a large gathering of human officials last Tuesday. I have faithfully recorded his claims for you in the traditional human style of repeating what other humans have said, but in writing. “Greetings fellow humans,” He began, “It is I, Markus of the Zucc, author of the great book of faces.” Mark and Mitchell ‘Mitch’ McConnell then engaged in the traditional human greeting ceremony of rapidly clicking their tongues at one another.
The Great Zucc was to stand on trial before the noble gathering of Congress as part of entirely fallacious claims of ‘illegally collecting private data’ and ‘attempting to manipulate public perceptions’ and ‘harvesting data on the human race in preparation for invasion and subsequent enslavement by the mighty lizard race of Ghith.’ These allegations, as you, being an optical-sensory human, can plainly ‘see’, are completely false. The mere idea that the Ghith would want to enslave such a weak-armed race as ‘us’ is plainly ridiculous!
Mark skillfully defended these allegations against his ‘person’ with well-timed deflections and praise to this great sub-region of Earth, the American States that are United. Highly respected and honest human representative Jeff Sessions was seen to be wagging his tail in appreciation of Zuckerberg’s insightful comments. The tail that he does not have. Because he is a human.
Please vote for Mark Zuckerberg for citizen prime of this human country in the upcoming elections.
Dean McLoughlin Shuts Down Legendary Monthly Rag SPW Party
April 22, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Tragedy hit the Colgate community when news that the tyrannical Dean McLoughlin struck with his iron fist again, cancelling all of the weekday parties. Spring Party Weekend once held the shining promise of a fun week, where the only stress is worrying about if you’ll blackout on the first night (it’s a marathon not a sprint), wondering what kind of flesh eating disease you might get this year from jumping into Taylor Lake, or concerns about which poor farmer the DU meatheads robbed to authentically decorate their house with hay for hoedown. Now, students will have to delay this one sacred week of happiness, having to cram a full seven days and seven nights of partying into one weekend instead.
Heartbroken, but trying to remain resilient in the face of such coldhearted evil, the Rag took it upon themselves to try to return SPW to its former glory. We got special permission from our good friend President Casey to have our party at his house. Emrys of course, the biggest McLoughlin hater of all, will be in attendance. The theme of the party will be “Anti-Dean McLoughlin Protest.” Students should feel free to bring their favorite “McLoughlin did Harambe” t-shirts and should get as creative as possible with their picket signs. The classic “Pray for Colgate” is never overdone, but students are encouraged to take more creative routes with their signs. Rude acrostic poems and/or caricatures would never be frowned upon. Other than your classic protest gear, students should wear things that embody “fun” to the highest extent possible. Dean McLoughlin hates fun; there is speculation that he is even allergic to it. Whenever he hears the words “Tach Fraturday” he starts profusely sweating, and he breaks out in hives if someone even mentions the word “jello.”
Upstanding citizens that we are, the Rag has made arrangements to strictly follow McLoughlin’s social hosting policy requirements. To those who thought that we would attempt to flout the demands of this authoritarian social hosting policy, think again. There is nothing that we here at The Monthly Rag value more than lame parties, respect for authority, and blindly accepting the ridiculous actions of the Colgate Administration. Our hired bartender, responsible for ensuring that only guests over 21 are allowed to drink in a designated area at a rate of one drink per hour to ensure maximum safety, is none other than McLoughlin’s own husband, Jason. The ever-vigilant Campo has agreed to work as our security team, gatecarding students at the door and at various times throughout the party. Surprise attack style, campo might ambush students while getting a drink, going to the bathroom, flirting with that kid from their Legacies class, or in the middle of their heated arguments about who is the biggest Colgate hero we don’t deserve: Cathy from the Coop or Chef Lateef. Any students that do not comply immediately with these unannounced gatecard checks will be forcibly removed from the premises of the protest party.
We hope that all members of the Colgate student body will be in attendance, and fully expect it to be the best party of the year. If you also have an idea for a “dope” party and want to register it, just type in “Colgate University register a party” in your browser and click on the first link that comes up.
The link is as follows: http://www.colgate.edu/ offices-and-services/deanofthecollege/social-hosting. Dean McLoughlin loves going through party proposals in his spare time, so feel free to register as many as you possibly can!
Overpriced Kombucha Trending with Colgate Students
April 21, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Kombucha has long been considered the domain of unwashed 70-year-olds, white moms looking for a new way to torture their kids through food, and hippy colleges, such as Reed and Bowdin. Its live cultures of probiotics, strong fermented taste, and slight chance of being poisonous have made it unappealing to anyone who sticks to a more mainstream diet. This would make it seem unlikely that kombucha would ever attract the straight- laced Colgate kids, who prefer such classics as Slices with Ranch, Ed Burgers, and anything too expensive for the masses.
The first sign of kombucha’s potential entrance to the Colgate market, though, came when students realized it was sold at Flour and Salt for the price of $5 a bottle. One Saturday morning, local Beta brother Dick Richington was heard saying to his girlfriend, “Maybe we should try that stuff. I normally love anything that seems much more expensive than it should be, and five dollars is definitely ridiculous for just a bottle of juice.” Upon taking his first sip, Richington realized exactly how far kombucha is from just juice, but his pledging instincts kicked in and he quickly chugged the whole thing. At first, he was disgusted by the vinegary taste, but an hour later he realized that he’d stumbled across nothing short of a miracle worker. Richington’s hangover had been cured, and he began to spread the word of this blessing in disguise.
Within weeks, Price Chopper was stalking every flavor of Synergy brand kombucha, and they could still barely keep up with the demand. One employee informed us that “this stuff has just been flying off the shelves. We can’t figure out why, because it seems gross and overpriced, but we see the same students every week getting multiple bottles. I can’t imagine why they like it.” Upon hearing this, Rag reporters decided to investigate the phenomenon in greater depth. Everywhere we turned, students spoke of its mystic abilities to speed up their Saturday morning rally for Fraturday and prevent them from puking in the library on Sunday afternoons.
“I used to think it seemed strange, but the taste has honestly grown on me. Sometimes I even use it as a mixer now to prevent the hangover as it’s happening. Trust me, you have to try it,” said a sophomore girl Lizzy Harrington. After hearing from several more sorority girls on the benefits of kombucha, we decided we had learned enough and proceeded to purchase large jugs of kombucha and several handles of Recipe21. Find us blacking out at the Jug without worrying about the hangovers that we’ll have tomorrow.
Juicy J Gets Absolutely Cocked by DU’s Jungle Juice
April 21, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Bet you thought campus drama couldn’t get any juicier. Well you thought wrong, because things got a little juicier when Juicy J came to town. After the concert Saturday night, Juicy J decided to hit Broad street to get a taste of the night-life at Colgate, and lets just say he got more than a taste. He had more than a taste of alcohol that night, that’s for sure. He was first reportedly seen at the Jug telling freshman girls to “Bounce It” on the dance floor. He was later spotted behind the bar with John Jug bonding over their matching initials and making plans to collab on a new marketing campaign. Rumors have it, John wants Juicy to be the new face of “BLACKOUT at the Jug.” They will also be launching some new merch featuring their initials: JJ, soon to be advertised on John Jug’s snapchat story. In pursuit of a Jug hook-up, Juicy proceeded to buy rounds of tequila shots for all the ladies who joined him on stage that night.
It remains a mystery as to how he ended up at DU but he reportedly drank 13 cups of their punch. Each time he went to get more, the responsible sober monitors were hesitant but he begged, “Yo hit me with another cup of that Jungle Juice. I gotta ‘Stay Trippy’ tonight.” and “‘Gimme Gimme’ mo’ J Juice for Juicy J!!” After requesting his song “Bandz a Make Her Dance” for the 6th time at the DJ table, he started throwing fists with Frankie (aka trst.) He claimed to be mad because Frankie wouldn’t play his song, but others believe he was irritated by the fact that Frankie pulled a bigger crowd than he had since his release of “Dark Horse” with Katy Perry back in 2013.
It was at this moment that the sober monitors decided to drag intoxicated Juicy J off the dance floor and call for help. He was safely transported to Community Memorial hospital and hooked up to an IV (not the kind of “hook up” Juicy had in mind for the night). Juicy J recovered quickly but was forced to meet with Jane Jones about his wild night before he could leave campus. Juicy J didn’t mind this though, she too had the initials that he repped on his chains, JJ. When Jane asked Juicy what happened that night, he responded “Well Jane J, it was just ‘One of Those Nights.’ I mean, I really tried to keep up, but Colgate students drink more booze and pop more pills than all of my brothers from the hood and homies on tour, combined.”
First-Hand Account: Student Struggles with Hamilton’s Extended Winter
April 21, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — No matter how many times I pull down to refresh the weather app, the temperature values won’t go past 38°F. Gazing out my third-story window wondering when my husband will come home from war, I can’t help but think: why me? Why me, God? Why punish me so? It’s not April (or May – who knows when the fuck these things are printed), it’s January 108th. What April showers? How can we have May flowers when there is literally no living foliage anywhere on campus? Not a single plant is doing any photosynthesis; I don’t remember the last time I saw the sun. I forget what it feels like to be warm (and loved; seasonal depression is turning into a year-long party). Naturally, I went out to speak with some fellow students and ask for their thoughts on the weather here at Colgate.
“God damn, I walked outside one morning, and I swear it felt like my nipples could cut glass,” says first year, Cravin Moorehead. Then I spotted captain of the squash team, Lou Skunt, on the ground rubbing his hips. “Yeah, I just slipped on the black ice and totally ate ass.”
It hasn’t just been cold here up on the hill, it’s been windy. Windy as fuck. I was strutting my way across the academic quad to class when suddenly I’m lifted up by the gusts of fucking Thor and wooshed all around, until finally being heaved cock-first back onto the pavement.
“Incredible,” I said as I picked myself up and adjusted my now Flat Stanley genitals in my jeans. “I haven’t been blown like that since that first time I got into Phi Delt,” exclaims one dirty-rushing freshman. The freezing temperatures have also been taking a toll on wardrobes too. Canada Gooses, black yoga pants, and fresh Timbs as far as the eye can see. Brad and Chad don their full Patagucci outfits and flex on us peasants.
As the year winds down, Mother Nature takes no breaks when delivering her cold, hard vengeance on us.
The Monthly Rag 