Econ Majors Offended by Wall Street Asshole Trope at Dancefest

HAMILTON, NY — Dancefest, one of the few events on campus that people actually sincerely enjoy without feeling the need to pregame – although it definitely helps – has recently come under fire after shots were sent at the Economics Majors in the audience with an innocent joke that insinuated a majority of those soon-to-be charcoal-suited leeches have no personality whatsoever. Many felt the need to approach the Rag in order to save face, such as one Rich McRichrichrich, who explained his situation.

“I’m completely aware of my lack of personality and development in terms of problem-solving and conversation skills that aren’t based around dick-jokes and arbitrary party rules – but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with you telling me how socially inept I am without my daddy,” said Rich, dabbing his eyes with his Gucci scarf. “I didn’t ask for my name to be a reference to how my family could easily fund an entire incoming class with a flick of their diamond-encrusted Rolex wrists. Being wealthy is hard, okay?”

Caught in the crossfire of this feud is none other than the Mathematical Economics and the Environmental Economics Majors, who don’t really feel attacked (because they can handle jokes) but instead feel insulted for being clumped in with the chart-drawing bumblefucks that forget which way a supply-demand curve is supposed to go. In addition, Econ Majors who actually have an interest in the field instead of getting a soul-sucking job at JPMorgan Chase & Co. find the whole issue to be “kinda ridiculous, because they’re sorta right”. One Econ Major who prefers to be unnamed had the following to say:

“I mean, it’s true. You look around your class and you see people who you know are only here because the school is getting full tuition from them, and besides binge-drinking and being unable to communicate to anyone who has more than three brain-cells slapping together, they have no apparent characteristics. They like beer, they like money, and they unironically like dumbshit lowest-common-denominator entertainment like “The Bachelorette” because they see themselves identifying with these literal cardboard-cutout men who maybe have one interesting fact going for them.”

One proposed fix to avoid the clumping of economic concentrations who can take a joke and the rest of the vocal minority would involve splitting the Economics program into two distinct majors, properly named “Easy-Mode Economics” and “Actual Economics.” This way, an average Colgate student could detect if they wanted to talk to a person for more than four seconds by asking them their major, as if we couldn’t do that already. (Stop asking me about my childhood, Psych Majors; I’m perfectly fine.) Classes for each major would require declaration prior to registration so as to avoid any second-guessing, and topics covered in each field would involve courses like “How to Count to Fifty” for EZEC and “Evaluating the Phenomenon of Price Formation” for ACEC.

However, regardless of which concentration students choose, we all know that Rich and his WASP gang will make enough money to cover their multi-million dollar properties with Franklins as far as the eye can see, so we might as well allow ourselves the ability to laugh at them while we can.