‘Gate Fit Challenge Ends in Student Death

HAMILTON, NY — A gruesome scene at Trudy Fitness Center unfolded April 21; a student was found dead after trying to make 21 days worth of gains in 15 hours in order to win a tank top. The subject was discovered asphyxiated beneath a barbell, but definitely not in the autoerotic way. Surrounding the individual was also: one Gate Fitness canvas bag, one light purple Gate Fitness punch card, and a blender bottle labeled “Daddy’s special juice” filled with a mixture of Monster Khaos and creatine. The subject was also wearing homemade bro-tank that exposed both nipples.

“It’s unclear as to whether subject died from sheer exhaustion or inability to bench 315 lbs with no spotter,” the first responding medical assistant reported. “According to the Gate Card scanning system, he’s been in and out of the Fitness Center 19 times today.” The Cage confirmed that the student had indeed redeemed both his level 1 and level 2 cards for prizes that same day within hours of each other.

Upon consultation with a forensic pathologist, a mixture of fatigue, caffeine toxicity, and dehydration was most likely the culprit. “The sheer amount of chemicals that kid consumed through Monster is impressive; the stuff is literally purple,” the pathologist noted. “The real problem here is that he went to the gym 19 times in one day,” she finished.

“This challenge was meant to offer small incentives to entice students to get fit in a reasonable, healthy way,” explained the Gate Fit Challenge coordinator. “I guess I should have realized this goal was only realistic for DU brothers and that one super strong guy with the beard that’s just always fucking here,” he continued. “I guess I can see where the student in question was coming from. These tank tops are sick and they’re an easy way of announcing to the world ‘I work out’ without coming across as a dick.”

In light of this tragic incident, please keep in mind that it takes 21 days to break a habit, but only 19 gym visits, 8 Monsters, 90g of creatine, 315 pounds, and 15 hours to break a man.