HAMILTON, NY — As you try to get your eye to stop uncontrollably twitching from large clumps of glitter, a rather moist body rubs up against yours; you pray it’s just beer. Upon doing a successful 180 to see the face of the culprit, you realize that you don’t recognize him, or for that matter, anyone else around you. The Final Countdown begins and an astronaut appears on stage. You’re not really sure how you got here, but know you must be #blessed to be in the house of the school’s hottest celebrities, the brothers of Phi Kappa Tau (pronounced Taaw).
Every year Phi Tau alumni swarm back to Hamilton, NY for one night in an effort to relive their glory days of drinking “crack” and reverting back to their degenerate ways with their Brothers 4 Lyfe. The fundraiser called “Rubix” is everyone’s (as long as you’re invited) favorite excuse to blackout at the pregame and tell your parents you spent a friday night giving to charity. One white-nosed alumnus exclaimed, “I’ve been waiting for this night for like a full year and told every bro I work with at Goldman about it. Honestly, they’re jealous they’re not here when there’s so much blow.” To the girl’s invited to Rubix, the overabundance of old frat bros is seen as both a blessing and a curse. These oldies are just as hot as the 80s songs being performed, but, similarly, they don’t have the same effect before 11pm or after 2am. While it might be fun to meet the grandfather of your Saturday Night Special, meeting him the next morning as you roll over on a mysterious futon under a blanket of Keystone will not be as enjoyable.
Surprisingly, Rubix Kube is highly popular among Colgate’s professors. The event sparks weeks of tension between departments as they compete to see who can cop the most invitations to Colgate’s most exclusive party. “I’m always excited when I see a brother is enrolled in my class because it’s an easy way onto their social list,” claimed a comp-sci professor who attended the event and later admitted to shotgunning with six of his students in order to secure a spot for next year. For many newbies, the appearance of professors was rattling. One girl told us that she “woke up with the strange feeling that [she] drunkenly spoke to one of them.” The same student approached the Rag staff later confirmed the awkward episode after a professor had clearly noticed her in the Lib Cafe and quickly turned his head. While many departments were represented at this rager, there was one man who disappointingly was not in attendance: Dean McLoughlin. Brothers reported sending an invite to the Dean, but never receiving an RSVP. The concert rocked on, but it should go on record that everyone was upset by his absence.
Although weeks have passed, it is said by some that as you walk by Tau Corner in Case you can hear the faint harmonization of “Video Killed the Radio Star,” a sad reminder that the brothers of Phi Kappa Tau have reached their peak. Alumni sulk around New York City with major PRD (Post-Rubix Depression) and professors continue to cancel classes due to “falling ill.” Rubix Kube will continue to be mourned until we are fortunate enough to once again break out our neon leggings and scrunchies and make our way back down Broad St. to the night that lives forever.
The Monthly Rag 
Recent Comments