Donovan’s Pub Bravely Run by One Employee

HAMILTON, NY — Colgate students were reportedly up in arms this weekend when Donovan’s Pub beat its own record for the longest time between ordering and receiving one’s food. Ever. While Donovan’s has never been known for its speed or to have any method as to the way it operates, things are looking especially grim these days. Further investigation into the mystery that is Donovan’s Pub has uncovered the largest issue facing Donnie’s today: Barb is the only remaining employee.

“When my spinach and artichoke dip hadn’t come out in two hours, I decided to go look for someone,” said sophomore Emily Jones. “I walked into the kitchen and there was Barb in a chef’s hat using the deep fryer and swiping gate cards at the same time.”

Barb is known for flying through Donovan’s at top speed, taking orders and delivering food in God only knows what order, but it looks like she has stepped into a larger role in recent weeks.

“I went to Donnie’s for dinner the other night and was surprised when Barb didn’t greet us,” said freshman Max Goldstein. “But then we sat down and I realized it was because she was performing a stand-up routine.”

According to patrons of Donovan’s, when they attempt to use RockBot, they find they are locked out, with LOLitsbarb420 as the only available DJ in the area. She has been spotted hosting trivia, grilling burgers, and bussing tables. One student even claimed he saw her taking a nap behind the bar.

“I don’t know how she does it,” said freshman Lucy Reed. “The other day she brought our food to our table and was carrying four orders of spinach and artichoke dip, two orders of mozzarella sticks, and ten pulled pork sandwiches.”

As a Colgate staple, Donovan’s seems to have shockingly little upkeep by dining services. When asked about the state of staffing at Donovan’s, one Chartwells employee (who requested to remain anonymous) was quoted saying, “Wait, what are you talking about?” Although unconfirmed, it is likely that at this point Barb has acquired the rights to own and operate Donovan’s Pub herself, without any Colgate interference. Reports to come on the possible name change to the more apt: Barb’s Pub.