HAMILTON, NY — With finals in full swing, it becomes extremely easy for the student body to miss out on their favorite shows and the like when they’re fucking around busy in Case with all their assignments so unfairly forced upon them by their professors. As such, even the most diehard of fans fall behind on their favorite franchises; with the backlash created by the most recent Avengers: Infinity War, many Marvel fanatics have turned to a life of solidarity, refusing to leave their rooms for any reason other than to go to class and perhaps scrounge the trash-cans for leftover scraps in the dead of night.
In true A Quiet Place fashion, any sort of sound sets the superhero fans off, driving them into a frenzy and allowing them to triangulate your location with their supersonic hearing in order to inform you that they “haven’t fucking seen the fuck- ing movie so don’t fucking spoil it you fucking fucker” before promptly kicking you in the ribs. Though, a new club was founded in the wake of this escalated tension: a crew of students with megaphones regularly make their rounds on campus roofs and shout fake spoilers into the air, drawing in a massive crowd of rabid fans. One such member, Lays Potatochip, approached the Rag’s soundproofed bunker in Drake’s basement for a comment:
“It’s just something to do, honestly. I’ve managed to convince so many people that the Soul Stone is actually Hulk’s left nut, and they totally buy it. You can fucking say anything, and not only will they believe you, but they’ll also give up on ever seeing the movie, because they think you just ruined the entire thing. Hell, I made a kid in Case have a mental breakdown because I said in passing that I couldn’t believe they brought in Kim Jong Un for his Hollywood debut.”
To say the least, the film has caused quite the uproar on our little hill, with violent assaults on the rise as we begin to leave for summer—although, those numbers are totally inflated by SPW. Remember: until you get out of the Syracuse airport, stay quiet, and stay safe.
The Monthly Rag 
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