WASHINGTON, D.C. — Everyday human citizen Mark Zuckerberg provided his testimony before a large gathering of human officials last Tuesday. I have faithfully recorded his claims for you in the traditional human style of repeating what other humans have said, but in writing. “Greetings fellow humans,” He began, “It is I, Markus of the Zucc, author of the great book of faces.” Mark and Mitchell ‘Mitch’ McConnell then engaged in the traditional human greeting ceremony of rapidly clicking their tongues at one another.
The Great Zucc was to stand on trial before the noble gathering of Congress as part of entirely fallacious claims of ‘illegally collecting private data’ and ‘attempting to manipulate public perceptions’ and ‘harvesting data on the human race in preparation for invasion and subsequent enslavement by the mighty lizard race of Ghith.’ These allegations, as you, being an optical-sensory human, can plainly ‘see’, are completely false. The mere idea that the Ghith would want to enslave such a weak-armed race as ‘us’ is plainly ridiculous!
Mark skillfully defended these allegations against his ‘person’ with well-timed deflections and praise to this great sub-region of Earth, the American States that are United. Highly respected and honest human representative Jeff Sessions was seen to be wagging his tail in appreciation of Zuckerberg’s insightful comments. The tail that he does not have. Because he is a human.
Please vote for Mark Zuckerberg for citizen prime of this human country in the upcoming elections.
The Monthly Rag 
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