HAMILTON, NY — For some, astronomy is but an elective, and for others, the field is nothing but pretty pictures of simulated galaxies; but for a select group enrolled in ASTR101, astronomy is a wake-up call – one that reminds those few soft shitty bodies that we all die eventually, and our lives are mere blinks in the eyes of the universe at large.
“My existence stopped mattering when I saw the moons of Jupiter for the first time,” explains freshman Twizzlerdick McBlick, who was in the middle of his Nietzcshe when the Rag asked for his opinion. “The sheer scope of our very own solar system baffled me, so then imagined the entirety of the universe, and then I remembered us – remembered people – and realized that we are literally fleshy meatsack poop-factories floating on a ball of dead dinosaurs and dirt.”
To say the least, these kids needed to lighten up, but according to multiple sources, it appears to be an impossibility to improve the attitudes of the newly-dubbed “Existentialism Club.” If anything, these individuals act as black holes in any party-scene, sucking all enjoyment out of other partygoers who bear witness to their mumblings about the inevitable threat of death that constantly looms over every living creature. Frat-star Football Football had the following to say:
“They show up, they quote Kierkegaard, and they leave. It’s sort of like a plague of emo locusts that steal all your alcohol and make you sad.” Football then proceeded to ball up into the fetal position and rock back and forth as a single tear rolled down his oddly-oily face. He would join Existentialism Club later that day, never appearing again to his once-brothers. Some say the legendary figure actually disappeared into the Adirondacks on a soul-searching journey, but we here at the Rag will never know the true fate of Football.
In addition to the obvious emotional toll, the creation of the Existentialism Club has resulted in some serious feuding between our boys at Foggy Bottom and the Philosophy Department. Some view the struggle as Colgate’s own version of the classic “Good Versus Evil” feud, and thus consider the end-times for our beautiful campus to be near as tensions continue to build. Plenty of Challenges of Modernity classes were also forced to shut down, as members of the club would exclusively study the nihilistic authors of the curriculum and refuse to believe in any other school of thought when considering the value of human existence.
We here at the Rag would like to conclude with a warning to our readers of the observed symptoms of early onset existentialist bouts: nihilism, loss of interest in anything other than old German men, loss of appetite and thirst, sudden brooding tendencies, inability to express emotion, and sudden growth of ridiculous facial hair akin to that of said German men – regardless of gender. If you or a loved one begin to display any of the following signs, the Student Health Center recommends to “calm the fuck down,” “put some clothes on, you disgusting lump,” and “get the fuck out of here; you’re scaring people.”
The Monthly Rag 
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