HAMILTON, NY — Students at Colgate University struggled to function on the fourth and fifth of September after a Juul pod shortage touched every corner of Hamilton’s frat house-laden city limits. The forty-eight hour absence of Juul pods from the shelves of all two gas stations had a devastating impact, leaving students contemplating making the hour long trek to Oneida in fleets of Range Rovers to relieve their nicotine withdrawal. Others remained in bed, blowing off classes and resorting to ripping their empty Juul pods out of habit and attempts at finding comfort.
Students Brad (‘22) and Chad (‘21) decided to take the drought as a way to apply their 2.1 GPA abilities from Econ 101 and other business courses they had dropped within the first semester. The entrepreneurs charged a mere $15 to fellow classmates for each hit taken from their remaining pods. “This is a failure of the city of Hamilton and the campus of Colgate. Why the fuck are we paying seventy-two Gs to attend a school in a town that doesn’t properly stock their gas stations with nicotine. Simple economics dude, supply and demand,” stated Brad. Chad agreed, adding, “It’s times like this you’ve got to help out, for the good of humanity, you know? I’m basically doing God’s work. Fifteen dollars is a small price to pay to restore the balance of nature and nicotine. It’s the same cost as an entry fee and a watered down half shot at the Jug. I’m a reasonable man.”
Students in Environmental Studies courses decided to take the depleted Juul stock in stride and apply environmental sustainability. Many of these students asked for small business loans of one million dollars from their CEO parents to purchase liquifiers, biodegradable pods, and tobacco seeds. Student Emily Burberry (‘20) is spearheading this project, hoping that “this will provide all natural, local, vegetarian, non GMO, cruelty free, vegan options all while reducing carbon emissions, which is Colgate’s goal afterall.”
Meanwhile, students in the American Red Cross Association have pushed for more drastic efforts to relieve the immense suffering on campus. Requests for airdrops of cucumber, mint, and mango pods were swiftly emailed to the American Red Cross relief effort. Other students independently ordered hundreds of Juul pods with next day shipping from their parent’s platinum visa cards.
The depletion of Juul pods has affected even those without nicotine addictions. Campus has seen an alarming decrease in midnight fire alarms typically triggered by swaths of nicotine clouds in the Bryan Complex and East Hall. Campus Police and local firefighters found themselves ridden with extreme boredom due to not being utilized nightly by the Juulers of campus. Even air quality has increased, reducing the haze at the dining hall typically caused by nicotine nibblers. Multiple students have complained that the newly restored harsh lighting due to the lack of Juul pod induced fog has made the food appear even more unappetizing, a new low, causing reduced appetites that only exacerbate this disaster.
The Monthly Rag 
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