Contradiction in Class Syllabus Causes Hole in Space-Time Continuum

HAMILTON, NY — On August 30th, the first meeting of the Physics 171 class, Matter and Other Things We Just Don’t Understand, was stopped short by a sudden break in the fabric of reality. Experts have traced its cause to a contradiction in the class’s syllabus, which contained two separate dates for the third exam. The difference of three days between them was paradoxical enough to break the binding energy of the universe, causing space and time to interweave in chaotic, fully unpredictable ways, eliminating the past, present, and future in one awesome stroke. 

 Rather than destroy all existing life, this blunder has eliminated the very concept of ​existence, essentially making it as though any life and creation had never transpired. In a single typo, the building of the Hoover Dam, the Battle of Waterloo, the Middle Ages, the reign of the pharaohs, and the dawn of man had been erased in an intergalactic event of profound nothingness.  

“Shit was wild,” says one Colgate student, who was relaxing in the Lathrop lounge when the dimensionally transcendental anomaly ended reality, “This is why I’m majoring in humanities, I can’t deal with all of that, ‘The fabric of space-time is unweaving’ bullshit, you know?” 

Earth’s people were not the only sentient beings who witnessed the end of the miracle that is self aware matter. Neighboring galaxy, Andromeda, agreed to do an interview. In response to this cosmic clusterfuck, their representative had this to say, “↱↲⇚⍇↭ ͒͑ , ⬅⬌⬍,〘〙〓〓】【⃠.” 

Colgate, the epicenter of this intergalactic event, remains the last bubble of reality, floating in the multiplex of the n-dimensional space that once contained infinite parallel universes, a spatial temporal result of a history that has now never happened. The administration urges students to remain within campus so as not to remove the last traces of the set of physical laws and phenomena that now describe no existing universe. 

At press time, a group of freshmen girls was seen heading for the Jug, saying, “There probably isn’t a line now.”