HAMILTON, NY — On Friday, a joint task force made up of officers from the Hamilton Police, New York State Police, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation carried out a raid on what they believed to be one of the largest theft rings on the eastern seaboard.
Operating out of popular local watering hole The Old Stone Jug, federal investigators allege that the ring has been responsible for the theft millions of dollars of personal property, primarily jackets, over the past decade and a half. Led by the shadowy figure known only as John Jug, the ring communicated over Snapchat. Phrases like “Come black-out at The Jug,” were signals to members that there were particularly high value items, like a Canada Goose or Patagonia jacket, that had been left on the coat rack. Once stolen, the items were stored in a secret apartment above the establishment, and potential buyers were made aware of available merchandise by phrases like “Jug Dogs available tonight.” One member of the ring interviewed by the Rag said that this made the perfect code, since even the drunkest freshman would never try to buy a hotdog from the Jug. Profits would then be laundered by a mysterious partner in Florida who Jug had previously identified as his daughter, but who members of the Colgate community were relieved to hear was not actually related to him.
Sophomore Harold Fitzpatrick told the Rag “Honestly I’m just glad to know that that chick from Snapchat is not actually his daughter; that shit was really creepy.” Arrests have been made, but federal investigators have announced that they have not finished their investigation, and they are pursuing alleged links between the ring and several Chinese Triads and a Belarusian human trafficking organization.
The Monthly Rag 
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