HAMILTON, NY — Bartender needed, must be willing to work weekends and nights. Age is not important, so don’t include it on the application (what Johnny doesn’t know won’t hurt him). Must be proficient in pouring water into light drinks and holding conversation with budding alcoholics. Social media presence must SLAY the game. Actively promoting The Jug and Jug Dogs is crucial; nobody has lived to tell how great Jug Dogs are so it is your job to do so.
If considering applying, ask yourself these questions: Do I hate myself enough to serve alcohol to underage drinkers? Am I okay with pretending that everything is completely normal with this establishment? Am I strong enough to clean the double toilet bathroom? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, keep reading. If not, keep reading anyways we’re really desperate at this point.
Unlike other jobs, we encourage you to spread crazy stories about what happens here at the Jug. Any publicity is good publicity, so feel free to “embellish” the less exciting nights. Blackout night at the Jug is every night and we will accept nothing less.
Pros of working at the Jug:
- Hanging out at John Jug’s lake house
- Consistent features on “Old Stone Jug” Snapchat story
- Free admission into the Jug during your shifts
- Drinking on the job
- You might find residue “floor-cocaine” while cleaning bathroom
Cons of working at the Jug:
- All of the above
- A salary so small that you can’t afford to buy yourself a drink
- Tips so rare that they should be treated like a national holiday
- Watching teenagers grind like it’s 1999
- Yakkers
The Monthly Rag 
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