Passing of La Ig Mourned by Women Named Emily Everywhere

HAMILTON, NY — Earlier this month, La Iguana Mexican Restaurant, affectionately known as La Ig, closed its doors permanently. The Hamilton community is still reeling from the loss. Residents are left to ask: “Wait why? I thought they did good business?” and for others in the community to say: “I think it was like, a family thing?”

This loss is no doubt felt most strongly by Colgate’s most vulnerable community: white women named Emily. A safe space for them to order guac for the table and freely mispronounce Mexican dishes has been eliminated. Where will this displaced people go? A representative from Fresh 8 released the following statement when the news broke,

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to eat a sad excuse for Mexican food. We don’t serve margaritas, but if that’s what it takes for you to want to come here we can do that I guess.”

We reached out to Emily’s throughout the affected area. Emily C. remarked (NOT Emily H.) that she was incredibly distraught, as evident by her Snapchat story of some yuca fries and a blood orange frozen margarita with sugar captioned “RIP LA IG.” Emily T. shared her story of buying a La Ig t shirt in memoriam of the fallen titan that read “Machoman or Nachoman?” Sources close to Emily T. said it was “such an Em thing to do.” Emily S. also fondly recalled memories of getting completed wasted on margaritas while she wait two hours for her order of enchiladas suizas. 

So what is an Emily to do? In the wake of this enormous tragedy, La Iguana has remained shockingly silent on the matter. We have contacted parties at La Iguana for comment to no avail. The Monthly Rag is calling publicly for La Iguana to come forward with an apology to Emily’s everywhere.