Three Taylor Lake Divers Treated for Super Gonorrhea

Hamilton, NY — At approximately 1:17 a.m., September 6, three ahead-of-the-curve freshmen jumped into Taylor Lake.  

The pioneering first-years, Brad Chadswick, Joseph Reyes, and Walton Smithers III, are leading the rest of their class as freshmen typically wait until finals week before jumping into the lake.  Having contracted a smorgasbord of diseases, they have begun to share them with their fellow classmates as a way to unify the class of 2022.  

“You know man?  We were walking back from Freshman Night and we were passing Taylor Lake.  It was there and I thought ‘Fucking send it, man.’ So, like, I yell, ‘Yo, we jumping?’  And like, we jumped in and I thought, ‘It’s fucking cold, man.’ Then Reyes said, ‘If you don’t go under, then you [are] a pussy.’  So, like, I go under cause I ain’t no pussy. And while I was underwater I thought, ‘Bruhhhhh. It’s hella murky down here.’ You feel me?”  Chadswick said from the student health clinic as he seeks treatment for what doctors have dubbed “super gonorrhea” mixed with “extreme herpes” as well as traces of mad cow disease.

The tradition of diving into Taylor Lake and spreading the various STD’s, STI’s and diseases previously only found in animals dates back to 1819, when 13 men with 13 dollars in their pocket and 13 prayers yelled “Send it!” and promptly dove in.  The Taylor Lake ecosystem is renowned in the medical world due to the abundant amount of diseases residing there.

“The ecosystem of Taylor Lake is truly one of the more astounding ones in the country.  It is a breeding ground for every bacteria imaginable. The patients that have come to me after jumping in the lake have suffered from everything: dysentery, cholera, typhoid, clamidia etc.  And I have only been here three-and-a-half months!” Dr. Jennifer Walters said.   

Chadswick, Reyes, and Smithers are expected to make semi-full recoveries.  However, due to the highly contagious nature of their diseases, doctors have advised that they abstain from sex, public pools, all contact sports, as well as all physical contact with another human being or animal for the next 50 years.  Neither Reyes nor Smithers could be reached for comment.