Breaking: John Jug Taken Into Custody
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
Hamilton, NY — Things have gone from bad to worse for local business owner John Jug after a late-night raid on his downtown bar led to allegations that he was serving alcohol to underage students. Despite numerous snapchat stories with captions like “Freshmen come blackout at the Jug tonight,” Mr. Jug maintained his innocence and accused the Hamilton Police Department of carrying out a witch hunt against him.
Friends, family, and customers became concerned for his welfare after he posted a series of Kanye-esque messages on social media. These fears proved well founded last Thursday. After Hamilton Police requested that he surrender himself for questioning, and after failing to appear at the agreed time, Mr. Jug was intercepted traveling south on state route 20B on his signature Jug Zamboni. He appeared to be in tears and ignored repeated requests to pull over while waving a Jug Dog at the pursuing officers and shouting “I’ll eat this thing, I swear I will. I know it’s over, but you won’t take Johnny Jug alive!”
New York State Police shut the highway down and formed an escort around the vehicle while police and local news helicopters followed the pursuit from the air. Colgate students followed the debacle on Snapchat where he posted stories like “No more Jug Blackouts #Slain.” Eventually, he was forced to surrender to police after his vehicle ran out of gas.
Inside the Townhouses’ Foot-in-Mouth Epidemic
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
Hamilton, NY — As the flu season once again descends upon the Colgate community, it brings with it this year a surprise – foot-and-mouth disease. For those readers who are uniformed, foot-in-mouth is a disease commonly caught by babies or toddlers who have not yet grown out of their oral fixation stage (is it really a stage though? the amount of juulers on campus say otherwise) and are too stupid to know not to put their foot in their mouth.
Upon hearing an utterly bizarre rumor that foot-in-mouth was going around the Tohos, a team from the Rag was sent to investigate. An encounter with Caroline-Annemarie-Isabella Bennington outside of her place of residence raised our suspicions when she responded, “I don’t want to talk about it,” to our queries as to how any self-respecting college student could catch a baby-disease, and then stuffed what looked suspiciously like a wad of diapers into her open Coach bag before scurrying off.
Believing we may have stumbled upon the reluctant mother of a love-child, our very own Hester Prynne (if you don’t understand that reference, it’s time to put down Fortnite and read for once) , who was keeping a small innocent child imprisoned (most likely in a basement cage) to hide her own indiscretions. The Rag team was able to (definitely not forcibly) gain entrance to a Toho and further our investigation. What we found inside was more horrifying than we could have ever anticipated.
As we flung open the door, expecting to find an innocent, imprisoned child to heroically rescue, and then exploit through the publication of a gratuitously self-important article about our unfailing bravery, we were shocked by the sight that awaited out not-entirely-but-close-enough virgin eyes. There, in the middle of the common area, lying on his back with his toes in his mouth was a (surprisingly flexible) adult male, probably between the ages of 20 to 22, 5 feet 10 inches (no, not like that, perverts) and 185.2 pounds crawling around on the floor, wearing a diaper. Lying beside him was what looked to be a baby bottle. The substance contained within that bottle remains unknown, we suspect either a soy milk macchiato only one pump caramel please or Four Loko.
Upon hearing the loud sound of the door slamming, the startled and diapered individual began to wail for “Mommy.” We made our escape just as “Mommy” stuck her hand down the front of the diaper of her “child.” The team here at the Rag would like to remind our readers that we are accepting of all races and sexual identities, but that we strongly discriminate against any fetishes that require one participant to pretend to be a child. We hope this reign of deviant behavior ends before the pandemic spreads throughout the campus. The Monthly Rag firmly denies that these last few sentences are an indulgent attempt at self-preservation.
Casey Offers Aid to Prospective Members of Newly Founded Geese-Hunting Team
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
Hamilton, NY — President Casey, against the best wishes of the Board of Trustees, has introduced a proposal for a new NCAA Division 1 team dubbed “Gänseteilung,” or “Geese Division.” Complete with a detailed scholarship proposal, its primary objective will be to thin out the herds (flocks? Who cares) of geese on campus by employing a sharpshooter squadron, the members of which will be recruited from private schools across the country. The students of interest will be taken from the list found on page 36 of Gallup’s monthly report on which schools are most likely to produce the next shocking wave of sexual misconduct allegations.
Casey, when asked to comment on his uncharacteristically bold move, said: “Look, geese are nice to see every now and then, flying across a clear blue sky in a V or waddling across a road with their cute offspring trailing them– wait a second, excuse me? That’s ducks? Well, that just further supports my point that the practical drawbacks of having all these fucking geese around far outweigh their occasional aesthetic benefits.” #BringBackAdamAndSteve
Casey further went on to claim that this new sport will offer students a means of blowing off steam before and following big exams, thus providing an overall boost to student-athlete morale (which has been on the rocks lately, following the Men’s Swim & Dive team’s suspension for not being able to hang– I mean, hazing).
PETA has issued an ultimatum to the Board of Trustees, ordering them to either stop Casey’s “diabolical plot” or face the grim consequences of operating without PETA’s annual funding (which as of 2017 came out to a 5-pound bag of quinoa, a reverse flea collar that actually gave President Casey’s dog fleas because “flea lives matter,” and a crate filled with some bullshit called “Tofurky” that was graciously – and unanimously – donated to the Hamilton Food Cupboard, where it has sat for 8 months without rotting because it’s not even fucking real).
When approached for comments, the Men’s and Women’s Club Ultimate teams (who have had to share the field below the Office of Admissions with the majority of the on-campus geese population for years) gave their unequivocal support for President Casey’s initiative. “Good riddance,” scoffed Men’s Co-Captain Payton Baker. “What, do you think we like picking geese shit out of our cleats all the time? If Frisbees could kill geese, after every practice we’d dedicate 15 minutes to sniping those arrogant, slender-necked sons of bitches.”
We reached out to the head of the Facilities Department to get their take on the issue, as they would undoubtedly be tasked with cleaning up dozens of goose carcasses on a regular basis should the proposal succeed. Unfortunately, they declined to comment, stating they “wanted to keep [their] employees’ livelihoods free of politics, thus continuing to perpetuate the one-dimensional working-man cliché.”
Mono Outbreak Devastates the Hook Up Scene
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
Hamilton, NY — An outbreak of mononucleosis on campus has been confirmed by the student health center. In response to the reports, students have launched a full scale investigation into the extensive web of spit sisters and eskimo brothers in order to predict where the virus will strike next.
An uncharacteristic amount of urgency and motivation that is typically lacking in classwork has been driving this investigation. As Epstein Barr ‘20 eloquently put it, “Mono is totally fucking with the hookup scene here dude. When I’m at the jug, instead of stressing about sneaking a few natty lites past Michelle, I’m stressed about whether some rando chick is gonna give me mono. Mono is like the jug dog, a steaming pile of shit. We need this mono shit shut down and in quarantine so I can get back with the ladies.”
Dorm rooms have been repurposed as a neutral site dedicated to the investigation with numerous sterilization protocols in place. Protocols include the utilization of dental dams when sharing juuls, and the sanitization of all stolen Frank cutlery to be cleaned via Beta’s fraturday punch. For the first time in documented Colgate history, Beta’s punch has been in high demand in light of the outbreak due to its ability to annihilate both the livers of freshmen girls and virus particles. Students have also been directed to sacrifice their door whiteboards to the efforts to draw out an entire map documenting campus hookups in order to identify the infected individuals.
The tracing of the epidemic has caused numerous issues to arise under the investigation’s required oath, with multiple scandals coming to light during the process of tracing the virus’s path. Juniors Jack Smith ‘19 and Matt Johnson ‘19, presidents of the “Saturdays Are For the Boys” club, have witnessed the disastrous social fall out following the investigations first hand. “This whole mono thing is really testing the bros before hoes rule. Finding out I was eskimo brothers with one of my dudes was totally uncool, I totally had dibs on that chick. Bromances are gonna be shattered by this fucking virus,” said Jack Smith ‘19. Johnson was in agreement with Smith, adding, “Our Saturdays are for the Boys club just got a lot smaller. Only true homies that respect bro-code can tap kegs with us.”
This investigation is set to continue until all infected individuals are accounted for and removed from the hookup scene. The pace of the investigation is much slower than anticipated, with complications arising from confusion over whether individuals truly have mono, or are simply hungover from Beta’s magical rohypnol juice.
Criminal Mastermind Apprehended for Theft of Kinney’s Beef Jerky
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — The dastardly archvillain known only as the ‘Beef Thief’ was finally caught by police in the throes of September after stealing almost $200 worth of Beef Jerky from Kinney Drugs, causing the whole of the Colgate community to sigh in relief, safe once more in our houses and dorms.
“Your beef is safe,” said Officer Angree Walken of Hamilton Police, better known as Hampo. “Catching scum like this is what we’re here for. This guy was a real professional, repeat, planned criminal, but we got him before he could do any more harm to Hamilton and its people. He really knows his way around a meat stick.” Walken later told Rag reporters that “Beef is a gateway drug to drugs.”
Unfortunately, the thief’s ill-gotten beef gains were not located by either Hampo or Campo (Campus Police), prompting speculation that getting caught was, in fact, part of his plan all along. At least one individual has come from outside New York to Hamilton with the intent of hunting down this enormous motherlode of hidden beef jerky in the last month, and Hampo has outsourced a private detective firm to attempt to locate the hidden beef before treasure hunters can get their paws on it.
The thief, who we are not legally allowed to name under threat of being sued by someone with more power than Beta, was reached for comment. However, after correctly informing the interviewing reporter of his home address and the planned name of his unborn child, we will not be publishing any details of the interview.
“I think it’s terrifying that we had such a cold-blooded, merciless criminal on campus at all.” Said Thaddeus “Chad” Bradsworth, class of 2020. “Nobody would ever do something like this back in Connecticut. It’s just unthinkable, you know? You don’t ever touch another man’s beef.”
Rumours have speculated that the Beef Thief was the true power responsible for the recent raid on the Jug as part of an effort to usurp John Jug’s deathgrip on the barely pubescent yet thoroughly alcoholic manchildren and girls with daddy issues that make up over 70% of the total Colgate population, although these could not be confirmed. Also theorized is that another daring heist is planned in the next few months from behind bars, either to break the Beef Thief out of the impenetrable holding cells of the Madison County Jail or to walk into Whole Foods and stuff another $200 worth of mundane food items into an oversized coat while being recorded by a security camera. Hopefully the Beef Thief is indeed behind bars for good, so that we may put this dark chapter of Colgate history far behind us.
A Note to the Editors of the Monthly Rag: Fuck Off!
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Local reporter, me, doesn’t have time to actually come up with an idea for this article, and apologizes profusely to all parties involved.
Look, it’s not that I don’t want to write for the Monthly Rag, I really do, but my first priority is my education, and I’m afraid I don’t have time for a ‘number’ word column; I’m genuinely sorry.
So yeah, I’ve made certain, “bad decisions,” with respect to time management that if I had handled responsibly would’ve allowed me to write an adequately funny, intelligent article. But sometimes, you’ve just got to go to a *obscure club name here* pub and play a drinking game where you watch the Scooby Doo movie and take a shot every time something screams, “I was made in the early 2000’s, can’t you tell?” Sometimes, you have to blackout and wake up next to a guy in an ascot with a tail in your ass.
But now that my two day hangover is over, I need to finally buckle down and focus on my academics. Sure, I didn’t do the last few problem sets, and maybe I haven’t attended lecture since mid-September, but school is really important to me, and Professor…oh, what’s their name…? Well, it’s besides the point anyways; the point is that I can’t allow an extracurricular, especially one like The Monthly Rag to get in the way of a Bachelor’s degree, so I’m afraid that I just won’t be turning in an article, and that even if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be a size within relative uniformity of the other articles in the issue.
No! Stop asking me, I don’t care that I do this for every club and that if I didn’t go on three month coke benders, I could write a simple page long joke article, but it’s not that simple, and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop. Listen, my addiction to a copious amount of varied drugs in no way affects the quality of my life, and I don’t have a problem.
See? Now I’m agitated and I’ve dropped my heroine needle. Don’t you know I need it to study? Look, see, my Astro textbook is right here, I’m just about to start, honestly. What’s that? This is just a Flat Stanley picture book? Well fuck off! How I study is my business! Now where’s that damn needle?
Oh, oh, and now I’m just wasting the reader’s time with a one-gimmick comedy article that’s gone on for way too long and devolved into an extremely distasteful running gag about drug addiction, a topic that is serious and relevant to the college aged Colgate student body? And that now I’m just using meta-jokes to distract that I’m reminding them that we’re all slaves to our dopamine receptors and that impulsive behavior from procrastination to drug abuse will hound us all our lives and that the consequence of such behavior has nothing to do with the merit of the individual but whether they were lucky enough to develop the addictions they can live with? Well, even if I wanted to engage with those ideas, I wouldn’t, because I just don’t have the time to write this article, and that’s my final answer. Suck it, Monthly Rag, and checkmate!
Colgate Plague: Is this the End?
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Is this how it ends, with not a bang, but a sniffle, followed by a loud-ass (uncovered) cough?
For the past certain amount of time, virtually everyone at Colgate has been getting sick. Frats. Sororities. Clubs. Whatever Beta is supposed to be. Faculty. Athletes. The list is endless, with everyone dropping quicker than inhibitions at The Jug. The theories surrounding the origin of the “Colgate Plague” abound, each more far-fetched than the last.
“Maybe hangovers have, like, mutated. Cause, like, the only thing here that is, like, more, widespread than this sickness is, like, drinking, so, like, maybe hangovers have, like, mutated. Like, evolved. It’s, like, certainly something the health, sciency people should look into,” prospective pre-med student Kimberly Kole, class of 2022, said.
Medical officials have been adamant in their belief that The Jug is somehow involved in this ongoing outbreak. The officials have also been specially (especially? I don’t fucking know. I’m kinda drunk right now.) unshakeable in their denial of the “hangover theory”.
“What? Fuck no! Who the hell said that?! Hangovers don’t “evolve” into whatever the hell is going on here. No, the most likely scenario is that those freshman-fuckers that jumped into Taylor Lake didn’t follow the rule of avoiding The Jug for three weeks post-dive. Those horned-up prepubescent nobs probably made-out with someone at The Jug and started this whole epidemic,” an exasperated Dr. Valerie Blathers said from Student Health Services.
The virus is not just affecting the people infected. The suffering of some at the hands of this sickness-wave has also been greater for some.
“This shit’s really killing my vibe. My roommate was supposed to go home for the break but then that pussy got sick. Fucker. I was probably gonna get laid this weekend too!” Known virgin Thad Noplay, class of 2019, said.
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC), World Health Organization, and the National Institutes of Health (NIH) are being called for assistance in the diagnosis and treatment of the Colgate community.
President Brian Casey could not be reached for comment.
Colgate Board of Trustees Approves Measure for Thinner Walls
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
Hamilton, NY — Last week, Colgate’s Board of Trustees met for one of their three annual meetings. The Board includes parents of students, alumni, and the university president. As the governing body of the university, their goal is to provide wisdom and guidance for the school; their first report included information about the two new residences halls, future plans for the bicentennial, and a measure to decrease the width of walls so that students can hear everything that happens inside each room.
“By Fall 2020, every room in this school will have the soundproof capacity of a piece of cardboard,” explains board chair James P. Blackwell ’89. Mr. Blackwell is the founder and CEO of Capital Funds, a private equity firm. “Back when I went to Colgate, the walls were pretty thin. You could hear a muffled conversation in the hall and music from the room next to you if they were playing it pretty loudly. Occasionally, you could hear some nighttime activities. But we plan to decrease the wall width so that students feel more connected.”
The board explains that creating thinner walls will foster a community environment where students feel as if they can connect more. By hearing everything that goes on in someone’s room, students will get to know one another better. The decision came from complaints by students who felt isolated from their peers. Phone calls, parties, and intimate time between students will give them a chance to connected on a deeper level.
Current junior Jake Addams says, “I am so glad that I will be graduated by then. The walls are pretty thin everywhere. I can’t imagine what they’ll be like when they purposely try and decrease their size.” Once completed, the Board of Trustees plans to send out surveys to students in order to assess if they feel more connected with their classmates.
Mr. Blackwell remains hopeful that this measure will create a stronger Colgate community. “You haven’t had a true college experience if you don’t know everything that goes in in your dorm!”
Halloween Communication Failure: Everyone Shows up at DU Dressed Either as Where’s Waldo or Victoria’s Secret Angel
October 29, 2018 by Leave a Comment
Hamilton, NY — It’s finally the best time of the year! Colgate’s beautiful leaves are changing, midterms are over, the smell of pumpkin spice and artisan beer is in the air, and freshmen are stealing gourds from Frank once again. With the changing of the season also comes freezing flash-sleet storms and the ever-so-sweet conversations that determine your Hallo-week costumes.
Some like to find the perfect blend of sexy and creepy looks, some go for cute and friendly, and others go for funny and recognizable. In the end, it’s about having fun with your friends and consuming as much…uh, candy, as you can. Questions often bounce around: “what can we go as as a group?” or “I just want something cheap and easy“ [ed. note: referring to a costume]. This year, everyone was on the same page but also made the grave (haha) mistake of not consulting other friend groups.
“I thought Where’s Waldo was easy and just obscure enough for it to be unique…” many of the Waldos agreed. Ironically enough, Waldo was almost impossible not to find when everyone came in red-and-white stripes to the party. “It’s the only costume we have organized anyway so I guess this is what we’re getting for the rest of the week.”
The reaction from the angels’ side was drastically different. “Honestly, who cares? We all look bomb as hell and no one’s judging anyone for dressing more or less revealing than anyone else,” an angel with a purple teddy and robe remarked. “Seriously, the more the merrier,” a pink angel agreed, “it looks like we all did this on purpose, and now we have comfy-ass robes and hot underwear to keep.” Empowered women empower women!
Even though spooky season is coming to an end, that doesn’t mean the constant flow of cider, donuts and sunday scaries has to end. Keep building up that winter-bod to get ready for overnight snowstorms and 4pm sunsets!
The Monthly Rag 