HAMILTON, NY — Local reporter, me, doesn’t have time to actually come up with an idea for this article, and apologizes profusely to all parties involved.
Look, it’s not that I don’t want to write for the Monthly Rag, I really do, but my first priority is my education, and I’m afraid I don’t have time for a ‘number’ word column; I’m genuinely sorry.
So yeah, I’ve made certain, “bad decisions,” with respect to time management that if I had handled responsibly would’ve allowed me to write an adequately funny, intelligent article. But sometimes, you’ve just got to go to a *obscure club name here* pub and play a drinking game where you watch the Scooby Doo movie and take a shot every time something screams, “I was made in the early 2000’s, can’t you tell?” Sometimes, you have to blackout and wake up next to a guy in an ascot with a tail in your ass.
But now that my two day hangover is over, I need to finally buckle down and focus on my academics. Sure, I didn’t do the last few problem sets, and maybe I haven’t attended lecture since mid-September, but school is really important to me, and Professor…oh, what’s their name…? Well, it’s besides the point anyways; the point is that I can’t allow an extracurricular, especially one like The Monthly Rag to get in the way of a Bachelor’s degree, so I’m afraid that I just won’t be turning in an article, and that even if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be a size within relative uniformity of the other articles in the issue.
No! Stop asking me, I don’t care that I do this for every club and that if I didn’t go on three month coke benders, I could write a simple page long joke article, but it’s not that simple, and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop. Listen, my addiction to a copious amount of varied drugs in no way affects the quality of my life, and I don’t have a problem.
See? Now I’m agitated and I’ve dropped my heroine needle. Don’t you know I need it to study? Look, see, my Astro textbook is right here, I’m just about to start, honestly. What’s that? This is just a Flat Stanley picture book? Well fuck off! How I study is my business! Now where’s that damn needle?
Oh, oh, and now I’m just wasting the reader’s time with a one-gimmick comedy article that’s gone on for way too long and devolved into an extremely distasteful running gag about drug addiction, a topic that is serious and relevant to the college aged Colgate student body? And that now I’m just using meta-jokes to distract that I’m reminding them that we’re all slaves to our dopamine receptors and that impulsive behavior from procrastination to drug abuse will hound us all our lives and that the consequence of such behavior has nothing to do with the merit of the individual but whether they were lucky enough to develop the addictions they can live with? Well, even if I wanted to engage with those ideas, I wouldn’t, because I just don’t have the time to write this article, and that’s my final answer. Suck it, Monthly Rag, and checkmate!
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