Hamilton, NY — Things have gone from bad to worse for local business owner John Jug after a late-night raid on his downtown bar led to allegations that he was serving alcohol to underage students. Despite numerous snapchat stories with captions like “Freshmen come blackout at the Jug tonight,” Mr. Jug maintained his innocence and accused the Hamilton Police Department of carrying out a witch hunt against him.
Friends, family, and customers became concerned for his welfare after he posted a series of Kanye-esque messages on social media. These fears proved well founded last Thursday. After Hamilton Police requested that he surrender himself for questioning, and after failing to appear at the agreed time, Mr. Jug was intercepted traveling south on state route 20B on his signature Jug Zamboni. He appeared to be in tears and ignored repeated requests to pull over while waving a Jug Dog at the pursuing officers and shouting “I’ll eat this thing, I swear I will. I know it’s over, but you won’t take Johnny Jug alive!”
New York State Police shut the highway down and formed an escort around the vehicle while police and local news helicopters followed the pursuit from the air. Colgate students followed the debacle on Snapchat where he posted stories like “No more Jug Blackouts #Slain.” Eventually, he was forced to surrender to police after his vehicle ran out of gas.
The Monthly Rag 
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