Casey Offers Aid to Prospective Members of Newly Founded Geese-Hunting Team

Hamilton, NY — President Casey, against the best wishes of the Board of Trustees, has introduced a proposal for a new NCAA Division 1 team dubbed  “Gänseteilung,” or “Geese Division.” Complete with a detailed scholarship proposal, its primary objective will be to thin out the herds (flocks? Who cares) of geese on campus by employing a sharpshooter squadron, the members of which will be recruited from private schools across the country. The students of interest will be taken from the list found on page 36 of Gallup’s monthly report on which schools are most likely to produce the next shocking wave of sexual misconduct allegations.

Casey, when asked to comment on his uncharacteristically bold move, said: “Look, geese are nice to see every now and then, flying across a clear blue sky in a V or waddling across a road with their cute offspring trailing them– wait a second, excuse me?  That’s ducks? Well, that just further supports my point that the practical drawbacks of having all these fucking geese around far outweigh their occasional aesthetic benefits.” #BringBackAdamAndSteve

Casey further went on to claim that this new sport will offer students a means of blowing off steam before and following big exams, thus providing an overall boost to student-athlete morale (which has been on the rocks lately, following the Men’s Swim & Dive team’s suspension for not being able to hang– I mean, hazing).  

PETA has issued an ultimatum to the Board of Trustees, ordering them to either stop Casey’s “diabolical plot” or face the grim consequences of operating without PETA’s annual funding (which as of 2017 came out to a 5-pound bag of quinoa, a reverse flea collar that actually gave President Casey’s dog fleas because “flea lives matter,” and a crate filled with some bullshit called “Tofurky” that was graciously – and unanimously – donated to the Hamilton Food Cupboard, where it has sat for 8 months without rotting because it’s not even fucking real).  

When approached for comments, the Men’s and Women’s Club Ultimate teams (who have had to share the field below the Office of Admissions with the majority of the on-campus geese population for years) gave their unequivocal support for President Casey’s initiative.  “Good riddance,” scoffed Men’s Co-Captain Payton Baker. “What, do you think we like picking geese shit out of our cleats all the time? If Frisbees could kill geese, after every practice we’d dedicate 15 minutes to sniping those arrogant, slender-necked sons of bitches.”

We reached out to the head of the Facilities Department to get their take on the issue, as they would undoubtedly be tasked with cleaning up dozens of goose carcasses on a regular basis should the proposal succeed.  Unfortunately, they declined to comment, stating they “wanted to keep [their] employees’ livelihoods free of politics, thus continuing to perpetuate the one-dimensional working-man cliché.”